Anyone know the second rule of fight club?
You Might Also Like
If you’re under the age of 25, you have no rights in saying: Back in the day.
You haven’t seen the light of day, kiddo.
ME: [staring off into distance]
HER: what’s wrong?
M: nothing
H: talk to me
M: it’s just…that bus in Speed would’ve never made that jump
Let’s begin by pushing a Nickleback album onto every ISIS phone.
Godzilla was the first house flipper.
[God creating chihuahuas]
“Scare that rat into an identity crisis”
What do you mean hide under sturdy furniture during aftershocks, this is NYC, I have a tiny chair
ME: We’ve developed a fear of boy bands
WIFE: At the same time
THERAPIST: In sync?
TOGETHER: *screams*
In hell the Mariachi band never leaves your table.
I almost walked out of the dentist’s office without putting my pants back on.
I thought reverse psychology was when you made your therapist cry
boss: why are you so late?
me: why are you so obsessed with me?
Psychiatrist “Tell me about your trust issues.”
Me “No”
Me: What’s the first step of fire safety?
4-year-old: Stay away from dragons.
Me:
4:
Me: Well, obviously.
My BFF is on her second child but I’m on my 3rd tapeworm so I win
ikea instructions make no sense, why would they only give me one allen wrench to cook all these meatballs
*stares into the abyss
The Abyss: Okay you’re kind of freaking me out.
I’m cleaning out the attic if anyone needs a mint condition box and user manual for a cordless phone I donated to Goodwill 13 years ago.
[before pepper spray was invented]
Cop: *holds pepper grinder in suspect’s face* Say when.
WHY WON’T THOSE FOOTBALL PLAYERS LISTEN TO THE EXCELLENT ADVICE MY HUSBAND IS SCREAMING AT THEM?
You can just make up words and if you say them in a Scottish accent, people will think they’re real:
Looka the wee janglers on that tary bibbit.
Adulthood is about being able to eat cookies for breakfast, but not doing it because you already ate all the cookies.
Providing directions like “when the wind blows northeasterly, you’ll come to a rickety old white mansion with an old crone in a rocking chair on the porch—turn to the exact angle her nose points, then continue until a frog hits you in the face. I’ll be the one throwing the frog.”
After eating this cereal for 30 years I am still neither lucky nor charming.
How do stick men play fetch with their dog?
CIA DIRECTOR: if u take this deep undercover assignment, u will have to give up ur own name forever
STUART GIGGLEDICK: not an issue, sir
I found an old photo of 5 yo me in my dad’s boat and on the back he’d written “my pride and joy” and I’m 99% certain he was referring to the boat
Been unable to sell my house for over a decade because I’d rather tell prospective buyers it’s haunted than admit I can’t hang pictures straight.
I just saw a woman outside sitting alone on a bench and staring at nothing and it made me so sad. I wonder what happened to her phone?
“Look on the bright side – at least there’s more for us to drink with him gone” is, apparently, not something one should say at a wake.
the thing where a kid draws a scary picture and shows it to his teacher, alerting her to a terrible situation happening at home, but it’s my kid drawing a pic of me eating an entire box of donuts