Kudos to Google for starting a company before you could Google, “How to start a company?”
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This hospital has everything
Like PAC-MAN before me, I too feel pursued by the ghosts of my past, consume mindlessly without end, and enjoy fruit.
She really didn’t have nine lives, just one very stubborn life that wouldn’t go away.
I’ve been cutting my own hair for eight years. I didn’t expect it to take this long. I’ve missed out on so much.
Somebody asked me if I could go back in time if I would kill baby Hitler. Hold up. Hitler was a baby? This shit just keeps getting crazier
“Why do raisins have an expiration date? What’s gonna happen, they get shrivelier??”
Interviewer:…
“Oh you mean questions about the job!”
Me: On today’s episode of Inside the Actor’s Studio….apartment….
Ryan Reynolds: How did you get in here?
Brain: Too much to think about to sleep.
Me: But I have work tomorrow.
Brain: I don’t care-
*alarm goes off*
-okay you can sleep.
Cop: We’ve found the man who stole your identity and was impersonating you
Me: Where was he?
Cop: Eating Cheetos and crying in his car
Me *impressed* he really went for it
Paid my mortgage so don’t ask me to come out. I’m getting my moneys worth.
4yo: Do you want to play pretend?
Me: I already am.
4yo: What pretend?
Me: Shh, you’re not here.
WHY DOES THIS DENTAL FLOSS REFUSE TO LET ME TOSS IT INTO THE BATHROOM TRASH CAN?
Making a Jurassic Park movie about a guy who went the day before the dinosaurs broke out and is trying to be sensitive about it but also really wants to show you his pictures.
Wife & son backing out in the car,
4yo: “So LONG, suckers!” [slams garage door]
4yo [opens door again]: “Not you Mommy!”
Anyone else wake up in a grass skirt and coconut bra?
I’ll photoshop my youngest into old pics just to make him stop crying about not being a part of the family before he was born.
Me as a kid: I can’t wait until I’m an adult and have money to spend on anything I want!
Me as an adult: Reads dozens of online reviews and does an exhaustive cost/benefit analysis before buying a $15 dish drainer.
I’m fearfully awaiting the day my alarm clock becomes self-aware and the snooze button hits me back.
Wife: Did u load the dishw-
Me: [slowly turning into a dog]
Wife: you can’t just animorph your way out of every argu–aww who’s a good boy?!
Jesus died for our sins.
But then he came back to life.
Pretty sure that breaks the deal.
Someone goes back in time to the 2009 VMAs, gives Taylor Swift a taser to use on Kanye.… the timeline is forever changed! World peace, etc.
[therapy]
DOC: A fear of clowns is not that uncommon
ME: No, a fear of clones
DOC: Oh…that seems irrational
OTHER ME: That’s what I said
me: how much for the wireless mouse?
pet store employee: that’s a hamster
me: im fine, everything’s fine
my search history: i beg to differ
My wife took a bunch of my clothes to make a scarecrow today and seeing it come together I realized I dress like a scarecrow.
Friend: My husband sets his alarm 30 minutes early so we can cuddle in the morning.
Me: My husband lets me sleep because he values his life.
No good ever comes from pulling on that tiny thread.
Cats. Honed by centuries of evolution into efficient, remorseless hunters. Also:
I’d been using my new hand-mirror for over 6 months before I realized it was actually a framed stock photo of a much less handsome man.
front of the back of the
Christmas tree Christmas tree