[shapes strands of hair from the drain to form a love letter on the shower wall]
stop slamming the toilet seat in the middle of the night or I will murder you
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{my first day as an art critic}
this painting tastes like shit
[1st date]
Her: So, tell me about yourself
Me: Well, I’ve got a black belt-
Her: Oh!
Me: …and *looking down*.. brown shoes, gray socks…
The human race won’t go extinct when our blood turns into high fructose corn syrup
Our demise will come when hummingbirds figure it out
If it wasn’t for my mil gifting me tons of bath & body works lotion I wouldn’t be able to survive the zombie apocalypse
Zombie 1: smells like peach blossom wine party
Zombie 2: no brains here
clerk: looks like you got big plans for the new year
me: yeah *filling my cart with fireworks* imma fight the sky
my dog: chomp, chomp
me: hey what’s in your mouth
my dog: CHOMPCHOMPCHOMPCHOM
*tells the kids to stop skateboarding in the house*
**skateboards in the house after they go to sleep**
“Have you seen my dog? He drove away from home…”
I learned all my flirting from lizards so I just do a bunch of really fast pushups when I see a cute lizard.
Me: *stubs toe*
My voodoo doll: “Ouch! Jeez can’t that idiot get ANYTHING right?!”
If we ever got together just know that I would totally shower and brush my teeth every day, even on holidays and weekends
I remember when it was called “drinking a glass of water” instead of “hydrating.”
If you take terrible vacations, it’s more exciting coming back home
Husband: Just think how much money we’re saving by staying at home.
Me: *shopping online*
Mmm hmmm, sure seems that way.
Me: It’s not how often you fall down, it’s how many times you get up that matters.
Cop: That’s not how field sobriety tests work.
Dear guy lighting bottle rocket fuses with a cigarette that’s still in your mouth,
You’re going as a pirate for Halloween.
i was going to get married, but
my wife refuses to sign the
divorce papers
[Trying to impress a cute girl with glasses]
HER: So what kind of car do you drive?
ME: A bookmobile.
i get all my pet peeves from a peeve rescue
My daughters built this elaborate house setup for their dolls, so I went over and threw a bunch of trash in each room to make it more realistic.
Me, as a vampire: Tell me, mortal…have you eaten anything spicy in the last 24 hours?
I save my pooping for when I’m at work so I can say “I can’t believe I get paid for this shit!”
[vacuuming]
Pick up your feet please.
Kid on sofa: No!
Ok *sucks kid into vacuum feet first*
*turns to next kid* Pick up your feet please.
In nature, bright colours are warnings of venom. Therefore, carrots are poison
I’m ashamed how many times Google’s had to correct my spelling. Yes Google, I meant Shih Tzu not shits zoo.
Marry someone the same size as you to avoid decades of annoyance adjusting the seats and mirrors in the car
Did you know?
Baby kangaroos are called joeys because they are the enforcers for the Marsupial Mafia.
[interview]
Ok, don’t let them know you’re naked
“Why are you naked?”
dammit
Dr: how’s your diet?
Me: I’ve been eating a lot of good fats like you said
Dr: ice cream isn’t good fats
Me: are you kidding me ice cream is amazing
herekittykittykittykitty
– me stoned about to lose a hand to a raccoon