I wonder if the guy who came up with the term “One Hit Wonder” came up with any other phrases.
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Him: Don’t make this weird.
Me: Then why am I even here?
Me: Wanna have a quickie?
Wife: Sure!
Me: OMG really?
Wife: Wait. Did you say quickie or cookie?
i love contactless delivery they just throw the slop at your door and i run out like a little pig
The safest place to hide junk food from your kids is inside a dirty clothes hamper right in their room.
i like to walk around my neighborhood leaving helpful notes in ppls mailboxes, such as, “doric columns don’t belong on a mid-century modern. what is u doing?” or “ur home has a mix of window styles that makes me wonder about the aesthetic you were going for. what is u doing?” or
just left a huge legacy in there
It isn’t until your kids start talking back that you realize dogs would’ve been a better option.
ADELE: hello from the outside
ME (closing blinds): a restraining order means nothing to that woman
Hansel and Gretel is my favorite story about eating children.
#ProTip
Star Wars is just like regular wars except you fall in love with your sister and your dad chops your arm off.
I can’t stop canceling dates. it feels incredible. this guy thought he was gonna find out how many siblings I have and now that mystery will follow him to his grave
Husband: Want any Chic-fil-A brought home?
Me: Yes, I’d like the one by the mall, please.
Takes the stairs because I preemptively exited an elevator and want to run from my shame
The last time my heart beat this fast I was at my boyfriend’s parent’s house and the toilet water was rising…
-My best pickup line
a dishwasher safe would have to be a really big safe
After my upteenth gentle attempt to express my disinterest in the subject matter:
“pardon me, but what sequence of words can I use to end this conversation?” “
Me: You ate radishes.
Friend: How can you tell?
Me: You’re burping them.
F: They were really good radishes.
Me: Not from where I’m standing.
Oompa Loompa: When you die do we get the factory?
Wonka: No, I’ll just invite 5 random kids and murder 4.
Oompa Loompa: We need a union…
Just overheard at the library:
“This is a place of learning. I don’t understand why shoes are required!”
*stares at phone*
why cant i sleep
*puts phone face-up on bed, the screen brigtness bathes my room in a light mor powerfubl than the sun*
oh
Felt a sharp pain in my chest & thought “oh shit, I’m having a heart attack,” but it just turned out to be my wife stabbing me.
It’s always the same old story. I meet a woman, things are going great, then my puppet starts screaming
[break-in]
BURGLAR: [cracks safe]
COP: Not so fast, kiddo
BURGLAR: [cracks safe more slowly]
Hairless cats look like the devil screwed up a possession.
Husband: why are you taking so long to get ready???!!
Later:
-eats the snacks I packed
-drinks my water bottle
-uses my cell phone charger
cicadas cotton eyed joe
🤝
where did they come from?
where did they go????
Me: I’ve got a 12 pack in the fridge
Him: Toss me a cold one
*Lettuce and cheese fly everywhere as the taco hits him square in the chest*
screaming into balloons for an extra surprise when the kids pop them
I read a list earlier today of toxic things one should avoid
Anyway, thought of you