Congrats to my tween for graduating at the top of his class from eye roll university.
You Might Also Like
Me redecorating every room in my mind
I hadn’t pledged allegiance to the flag in so long I forgot the words and I may have just drunkenly pledged to one nation, invisible, with librarian judges for all.
(my funeral)
Spouse, crying: I’ll miss you, my love. Your with the angels now.Ghost me, whispering in his ear: *you’re
S: Oh ffs!
How do you pay an electrician? You wire them the money.
Marathon Winner: Finishes a 26-mile marathon in under 2 hours.
Me: Walks up stairs using all fours.
On my way to work I saw a turtle crossing at a TURTLE CROSSING SIGN omg so responsible.
Bruh. Did y’all know bears DON’T HAVE collarbones and can fit through your DOGGY DOOR?
Because I didn’t.
– playing “Is it cake? –
Me, chewing plastic: “It’s pretty good, but I wish it was more moist.”
Mr. Miyagi: It’s simple Daniel san, wax on, wax off
Daniel: Yeah, but your back hair, bro?
If I were wanted by the FBI they wouldn’t have far to look today, I’ll be in front of the TV watching football.
Who called them accountants and not sumbodies?
In case you don’t watch Crime TV let me just tell you, if you’re going to commit a crime don’t take your cell phone with you.
[driving home in silence]
me: all i said was her husband was a really down-to-earth guy
gf: they were lowering his coffin
“Dad, these glasses make everything look much bigger!”
*Snatches glass and hands to my wife
i prefer to think of myself as less “bad at running” and more “really good at running 13 minute miles
oh you like architecture? name three walls
If a peanut butter cookie between two chocolate chip cookies is considered a sandwich, then I may have had a sandwich or two for lunch.
A grasshopper just jumped onto my foot and I reacted like I was being attacked by a shark.
If my dad asks, there’s definitely NOT a karate tournament in our house tomorrow at 3.07pm *wink*
COP: I need to search your car.
ME: Sure, google whatever you want officer.
If I’d married a wealthier man, I’d be lying on a fancier couch refusing to clean bigger rooms.
Current anger level: I am last-beer-in-the-fridge-turns-out-to-be-a-soy-sauce-bottle angry.
2022 just sounds like you lost track while counting
virus: humans are only worried about aliens destroying the world. they totally underestimate us😤
coronavirus: i got this
[later]
virus: so did you make them fear and respect us?
coronavirus: no they had a trip to disneyland they didn’t wanna cancel
[at the top of mt everest]
friend: i can’t believe we did it!
me: i know!
friend: what do you think of the view?
me: whoopi goldberg is amazing and the guest panelists they have always bring a fresh perspective but it should’ve stopped after season 15.
Who’s soul do I have to sell in order for my eyeliner to come out even on both eyes?
“Then we are agreed: we shall have a duel to the death at sunrise. And if I oversleep you will start without me.”
I used to think LOL meant lots of love.
Oh! You’re Aunt died? So sorry. LOL!Took me years to rebuild friendships.
For cardio I live beyond my means.