First date idea: you rescue me out of the tree I got stuck in while looking through your windows.
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As the rain pelts down on the window I am simultaneously happy I don’t have to go water the garden and pissed because I just washed the car.
[Looking at plans for building Rome]
ME: How long will it take u?BUILDER [shrugs] A day at most
ME: Are u sure?!
B: Yeah easy, trust me
What did Jay-Z call Beyoncé before they got married?
Feyoncé…
[hurls martini into roaring fireplace] WHO TOLD MY DAD ABOUT THE INTERNET
A Roman walks into a bar, holds up two fingers and says,
“Five beers, please.”
[pet therapy]
THERAPIST: ok slow
ME: *pets 2 dogs*
T: just 1
M: *pets 3 dogs*
T: Nurse, restrain him, he’s
M: *pets 4 dogs*
T: roverdosing
Who would of thunk it folks, having a mask, rubber gloves, bleach and hand sanitizer is now acceptable to have in your vehicle.
“But you just went pee”
– A Family Vacation Memoir
Just saw my evil doppelganger speed away in a DeLorean. I’m sure it’s fine
Useful information: don’t turn around if a woman throws a shoe at your back. Because more than likely the other one is in mid flight.
Me: We will leave in a little bit
8: After you put your makeup on?
Me: I have my makeup on!
8: Oh *pause*…you look very pretty
[Bookstore]
Me: *hands over Tangled coloring book*
Cashier: How old is your daughter?
Me: [sweating nervously] Of course it is
I can’t believe that somebody abandoned this perfectly good clothes rack.
Wife: Want do you want for dinner?
Me: Surprise me.
Wife: I used to be a man.
Me: . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Pizza.
My true love: [gives to me a partridge in a pear tree]
Me: wtf how did you wrap this
Excited for Game of Thrones tonight because it’ll be nice to see civilized political discourse for a change.
My new way of torturing someone is the pay a giraffe to show up outside and knock their window at 3 am and no one will ever believe them that a giraffe is stalking them. Sure, Tim. A giraffe was outside your house in the middle of Ohio. That’s totally believable🙄
just wanna disappear into a forest but, like, with modern appliances and Wi-Fi
My bike just got a flat tire, or, as they say in England, my bike just got an apartment tire
Guys, don’t take the first step cause girls hate that easy guy. Also, you must take the first step cause they hate the shy one. Good luck!
[Wheel of Fortune]
Puzzle: _’_ L_ _E T_ S_ L_E T_E _ _ _ _LE
Contestant: “I’d like to solve the puzzle.”
Pat Sajak: “Okay.”
Contestant: “I’d like to solve the puzzle.”
Pat Sajak: “Okay.”
[Attractive stylist washing out my hair after cutting it]
Stylist: How’s the water temperature?
[Water so hot it’s scalding my scalp]
Me: It’s fine
EXPLORER: so we found all this new land
KING: Sweet What did you name it?
E: Newfoundland
K[rubbing bridge of nose]: Guards, execute him
When your license to kill is expired, you just have to make it look like an accident until it renews.
Putting on a bra is like trying to wrestle two pigs into a potato sack.
A high five is like a regular five that laughs at everything and gets the munchies.
My 4yo twins spent half the morning yelling “Alexa watch this!!” and when they finally walked away Alexa asked if I could find her a new home that doesn’t have kids
A life lesson we could all learn from my doggie:
Do NOT pee too close to the cactus.
Me: If there was a fire and you could only save me or the cat, who would you save?
Her:
Me:
Her: I feel like you’ve had a good run.
BOSS: you’re an hour late
GUY WHO’S ABOUT TO INVENT DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME: oh you haven’t heard?