Balloons take up a certain amount of space in the package, but if you want to know how big they’ll be when in use you have to adjust for inflation.
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If you force me to attend weekly Teams staff meetings AND have my camera on then you’ll just have to tolerate my flossing.
If you drive a Hummer, I will assume you are a douchebag. If aforementioned Hummer is bright yellow, I will crown you their king.
Waiter, there’s a spider in my pie. I thought you had an “award winning chef”
*waiter points to MOST CUSTOMERS KILLED BY PIE SPIDERS trophy*
None of the parenting books prepared me for my teen asking me what “the carpet matches the drapes” means.
[plot twist] ur buried vertically
Me: You know, one nice thing about being snowed in all weekend is we haven’t had to spend any money.
Wife: (clicking add to cart) So nice.
Always love a woman for her personality. They have like 10, so you can choose.
*on toxicology phone consult in middle of the night*
doctor: ok thanks for all your help
me: no problem, have a good one
doctor: love you bye
me:
doctor:
me:
doctor: i’m married
I gave my baby a teething toy so she would stop chewing on my fingers.
She wasn’t interested because it didn’t scream out in pain.
4: *hops in my lap* Mama, look at my picture!
Me: Love it
4: See green
M: Yep
4: And blue
M: Mmhm
4: And red
M: *flushes toilet* ok, hop up.
[sexy librarian removes glasses] nice [removes hair] what [takes off wooden arm] NO [rolls glass eye across counter] um, just this book ok
Most people who think I’m a nice person have no idea that I’d trade any one of my kids for a deep dish pizza.
I’m having a shitty day, but then I remembered to shift my perspective, and I realized I’m also having a pretty crappy week.
A diamond is forever, and so is my teen’s grudge against me for giving her a sister and not a brother 10 years ago.
Why is it called an exorcist’s holy water and not disinfecthaunt?
…and send
[Annual Review]
Boss: how do you think you performed this year?
Me: *an accountant* I think I “excelled” at my job.
Boss: you’re fired.
Me: This is such an accrual profession.
rest in peace, 2023.
2023-2023
I got sunburned at the beach and now my husband won’t listen to anything I say because he doesn’t “take advice from tomatoes.”
I didn’t buy any junk food when I last left my house, March 19th…I am intensely regretting that decision.
I totally get your eyebrows.
My bank account is overdrawn, too.
Just saw a bumper sticker that said “supprt your local beaver” or maybe it said “support your local brewer” either way it’s sound advice.
You ever do something so stupid, your mouth refuses to work so you can’t tell on yourself?
Your password must include 5 minutes of interpretive dance, 15 excerpts from contemporary fiction and 1 word made up by Shakespeare.
I hope the aliens aren’t good at basketball. My chances of making it into the NBA are already slim.
Always surround yourself with people who are successful, because people who are successful always have money to bail you out jail
“See you later alligator”
“In a whilst crocodile”
-why we fought the British for independence
It’s Saturday, so I’m as lazy as the guy who drew the Japanese flag.
Friend: *texting* come out tonight
Me: *three days later* who’s gonna be there
jesus f****** christ i suppose we have to do this shit again
i mean good morning