[interview]
employer: where do you see yourself in 2 years
me: talking down to people & doing as little as possible
employer, taking notes: okay, so…management
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They’re not called “butt hole mirrors.” They’re called “hand mirrors,” according to this clerk at Walgreens.
Time is said to be a great healer, which is presumably why the waiting lists are so long.
EVERYBODY WHO MAKES ACTION MOVIES: We should have all the actors talk really quietly so people turn the volume way up right before an explosion.
Proud to announce I’ve made Forbes’ “7 Billion under 7 Billion” this year
CAPTCHA: Prove you aren’t a robot
Me, a sex machine: *sweating*
My wife says “Don’t walk away when I’m talking to you” when 1. she’s not talking, she’s yelling, and 2. I’m not walking away, I’m retreating
A restaurant specifically for people in their thirties and over with flattering lighting, tums for appetizers and complimentary advil with every drink order
Cop: You appear intoxicated. Can you walk this line?
Me: No problem. Stay in the car Grandma
G-ma: Can he use my walker? He’s been drinking.
If a dude can be CEO of three companies at the same time that just says to me CEO isn’t a very demanding or important job.
‘I’ve never done this on a first date before’ I say as I start vacuuming his place
I want to live in a clean house but the whole living in it is really getting in the way.
Two types of dogs.
I’m surprised so few people ask me why I’m carrying a cudgel around.
Am I the only one who just buys a new printer when the ink is gone? Also, does anyone want to make a sweet printer fort?
While I might feel unsure how to react, my middle finger is well versed in handling stupid people.
[first date]
me: don’t let her know you vocalise everything you think
her: what?
me: shit she knows
It’s raining.
I’m going to be late for work.
I can’t fit my hair in the car.
The Backseat Boys
You get what you get and you don’t get upset. Unless you’re me, and then it’s the crying and the wailing and the walking with chains dragging at all hours.
Breaking: It’s snowing where some people live and not snowing where other people live. More about this in 10 minutes on Facebook News.
How much do you want to bet that the inventor of the Lazy Susan has an ex-wife named Susan?
Being off twitter for so long gave me the time to appreciate what’s really important in life, so I’m back on twitter
If I have to bless 3 or more of your sneezes, it’s an exorcism at that point. Sorry but you’re on your own.
I found the felon who is responsible for your lost socks. Already convicted of other crimes. It’s the fitted sheet. You’re welcome
There’s a state called, Ohio, but not a state called, Goodbio
If I had a yoshi I would ride him to work every day.
“Sup bob, see you got a new Kia, guess what I got, a fricken yoshi dude”
I’m just saying, who could afford murder hornets in THIS economy? 2020 had a backer, and I’d like to see some receipts, CHARMIN.
WIFE: Why are you wearing camo?
ME: Crap. You can see me?
WIFE: Put those cookies back.
My 5-year plan is to double the number of things onto which I regularly pour alfredo sauce.
i spent four months making this so might as well post on twitter too 🧍🏻♀️