*elbows date in ribs*
“see that asterisk next to the ‘have it your way’ slogan?”
where it says “within reason?”
“that’s because of me”
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me: “that sounds terrifying”
waitress:
me:
waitress: “what sounds terrifying?”
my wife: “he thinks you said ghost cheese not goats cheese”.
Stranger man at the beach asked me, “Y’all got a boat?” I said we have three, but they’re old Fisher-Price models.
It took him a moment.
me: this year i’m giving my kids a modest christmas
my bank account: i do not think that word means what you think it means
“Oh, we’re going for a 6 minute car ride? Let me just gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked first. Then I just need to run & hide your keys.”
-3 year olds
Him: how about we finish dinner and you can show me your bedroom
Me: why wait? *pulls out cellphone and flips through photos of my room*
Nephew: Do you like Minecraft?
Me: [trying to seem cool] I am interested in how mines are built, yes.
[Home invasion]
Me: isn’t there anything ELSE you want to take?
Burglar: lady I told you I’m married
Pikachu found the lost joint
If you want my opinion ask my wife
ghosts in movies are stupid if i was a ghost id be in the bahamas but they’re just like “lets stay here and move pots and pans”
Overheard my daughter’s friend on FaceTime telling her Dad to please stop singing because he’s embarrassing her so obviously I did what any Dad would do and finished the chorus for him.
Always keep your head up and stand proud! That way your double chin won’t show in your pictures.
Why does my computer sound like it’s mining bitcoin whenever i open a browser
My boyfriend says I’m like a robot in bed so I’m basically a sex machine.
My husband pissed me off today so I told him that I can’t wait to see what he had planned for our special day tomorrow
There is nothing special about tomorrow
But there is something special about watching the color leave his face as the panic takes over
Always the person who refuses to go to the wedding.
Never the bride.
My Twitter clique is basically five or six people who have mistaken me for someone else.
Me: My tarot cards say that you’re going to be in pain soon.
Him: Ha! My Magic 8 Ball said No.
*hurls Magic 8 Ball at him*
Him: Ouch!
A great summer prank is to park your car just outside the mall with a fully cooked ham in baby clothes strapped into a child seat.
Why do we say “used to” for “accustomed to”?
“I’m used to it.” Yoost to. Yoozed to.
Welcome to your 40s. You now have one random eyebrow hair that grows faster than the rest
Son: [excited] dad, I just signed up for a triathlon
Dad: [sighing, doesn’t look up from newspaper] well let me know when you sign up for a winathlon
Why are books the only thing advertised as “Wherever books are sold.” You can’t sell other stuff by saying “Wherever you get this shit, IDK”
My husband laughed at one of my jokes and said I’m funny, and now I’m sus, like just how many Amazon packages are getting delivered to him today.
If you’re bringing a kid to my house, it better be a baby goat.
I don’t dress for women. I don’t dress for men. I dress for the weather, mainly.
It might sound childish, but when my wife pisses me off, I dry my hands on the towels that “are just for decoration”
My girlfriend is so crazy she even traced down the girl who once kissed me in kindergarten.
Me: I had a meeting with your teachers. They had a lot of good things to say about you, including that you’re super, super smart.
6-year-old: Wait, wait, go back. How many supers?