I set out a suitcase to pack for my flight later today and spotted my 3 year old crawling inside it to hide. I casually zipped it up, yelled “I’M OFF TO THE AIRPORT, EVERYBODY!”, and carried it to the car. I’ve circled the block twice and my luggage hasn’t stopped laughing.
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Sometimes I pretend I’m picking up lunch for the office even tho the KFC workers can clearly see me eating that bucket in their parking lot.
My doctor asked if anyone in my family suffers from mental illness. I said, ‘No we all seem to enjoy it.’
me: I may have added too much salt
my snail girlfriend: my brothers will avenge me
*pours a bucket of water into the ocean*
You’re free now
I love when I open my dryer door and money falls out instead of my cat.
Sex is like lasagna – there’s absolutely no reason for it to involve spinach in any form.
DATE: so tell me something about yourself
ME: i am older than every dog
…a dentist on a toothpaste commercial with stethoscope around neck…, if my dentist started to listen to my heart I would freak out.
My son’s blood type is parmesan.
Friend 1: I do P90x to stay in shape
Friend 2: I just started crossfit
Me: Pssh, I just kiss my kids when they have a stomach bug.
Halloween is great because you can buy yourself six bags of family size peanut butter M&Ms and nobody asks any questions.
when ur a kid the only thing ur worst enemy has to do is find a word that rhymes with ur name and ur cooked. one time my friend’s nemesis called him michael michael motorcycle and he was messed up for days. it didn’t matter how cool motorcycles are. it rhymed. he was toast
Crazy to think back before camera phones we all used to sit in front of bathroom mirrors with sketch pads.
Who are we?
CLIENTS!What do we want?
WE DON’T KNOW!When do we want it?
RIGHT NOW!
This meal prepping shit is easy
I’m not sure what everyone at my coworking space does for work, but I’m pretty sure one guy’s job is chewing.
finally
I hate gender stereotypes.
Sometimes I give my son a drink in a pink cup and my daughter a drink in a blue cup, just to test their reactions.
Turns out they don’t like whisky.
Him: have you had dinner yet?
Me: *after eating entire bag of chips, 2 donuts and 6 cookies* Nope, not yet.
incredible text to wake up to
I ordered a high powered magnet (1000+lbs) and I think it may have gotten stuck to the delivery truck.
*narrows eyes*
You wouldn’t write it like that unless you poisoned the firgs
I have so many questions.
“Boint, B-U-R-N-T, boint.” – mafia spelling bee.
As someone who got the J&J shot last week, so far my only side effect has been the ability to control geese with my mind
Literally no one understands something more completely than a woman in a meeting who starts a question with “Just so I understand…”
Spice up grocery lists for your partner:
Im so thirsty- juice
Make my mop wet- shampoo
I only moo for you- you get the idea
My son, sleepwalking, came into my room and said “Can you get the trash out of my bed?” So I went to his room and showed him there’s no trash and he said, exasperated, “Why would there be trash in my bed?” then laid down and went back to sleep.
That about sums up motherhood.
God: You really should return to Earth
Jesus: *takes bong hit* Tomorrow
God: You’ve been saying that for centuries
Jesus: *exhales*
“What are you doing tonight?”
Gonna smoke some Herb.
“Nice.”
-guys who work in a crematorium