“Fiona, You up?”
-Shrext.
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If my grandfather were alive today he’d be trapped in a box underground. Horrible to think about really.
Kinda crazy how the entire country can watch a hurricane destroy a city in real time now. 100 years ago it was just like, “When was the last time anyone heard from Galveston? Months? Should we send someone to check on that?”
If Billy Joel rewrote “We Didn’t Start The Fire” about 2020, it would be a 37 hour long song.
A blue whale is so big, that if you laid it end to end on a basketball court, the game would be cancelled.
#BasketballDay #RubbishJokes
If I ever become a super hero, my origin story will involve a sourdough starter mishap.
I love meeting new people. Not you. Don’t touch me.
Friend zone?!
I’ve been sister zoned! And if one more dude pats me on the head, I’m telling mom!!
There are no sleep rules anymore. If you’re sleepy, you just sleep. It doesn’t matter if it’s an appropriate nap time or not. It doesn’t matter if you sleep 2 or 6 hours. Literally no one is policing this.
The word October loosely translates to ’eight bers’
older woman => young dude: cougar
older man => young women: manther
older man => younger men: faguar
older woman => younger women: sheetah
This is a bad idea on so many levels.
*Uses public restroom
**Squats so long walks out with buns of steel
Date: Before you I had Brazilian boyfriends
Me: That’s not even a real number
saw five goats walking on their hind legs through the woods, is that bad
I hate it when I want wine and the wine home delivery man hasn’t been invented yet.
Women have closets full of ‘I have nothing to wear.’
[looks over neighbour’s fence while he’s in the pool]
“Dude, we get it. You can hold your breath for [looks at watch] 19 days.”
“It’s too late. You can’t stop it now.”
– Every villain in every single movie moments before the hero stops them now
Every time someone makes a typo, I look at the location of the letters on the keyboard to consider whether it’s justified.
[Spelling bee]
“Your word is DEFLECTION”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“Can YOU use it in a sentence?”
Still waiting for a sexy butler who can make me a grilled peanut butter and jelly sandwich for lunch, and text with my mother.
me: *filling up my car with gas*
guy next to me: the gas is supposed to go in the tank
me, pulling the pump out of the window: i don’t own a tank i only have this car
[5:00 AM, in a harsh whisper]
Daddy, don’t worry, you can sleep. I’m making my own breakfast, how do you turn on the stove?
Me: I’m up.
discovered i giggle in my sleep after downloading a sleep app and assume i will soon become a serial killer
me: hey remember when we hid the stamps from the kids?
my brain: yup!
me: where did we put those?
my brain:
me:
my brain: ok, you’re never gonna believe this
“NOAH. YOU WILL BUILD AN ARK”
k
“NOT “K” THIS IS IMPORTANT”
Sorry
“THATS OK. TAKE 2 OF EVERY ANIMAL ON IT”
Even fish?
*THUNDER*
“NO NOT FISH
Wife: Our dog was put down and then my husband died, it was tough
Medium *nodding* he was the love of your life
Wife: Yes of course!
Medium: He has something to say to you
Wife: omg go on
Medium: woof
Mom: why are your eyes dilated
Me: your eyes dilate up to 45% when you look at something you love
Mom: what were you looking at
Me: memes
My first act as president will be an executive order requiring that all celebrity baby names be reviewed by a panel of sane people.
Bartender: What’ll It be?
Stephen King: A novel at first, then a tv miniseries, then a movie.