I’ve been told I can be a bit condescending. That means I talk down to people.
You Might Also Like
My crush suddenly stopped texting me today. Either she is in the gravest of danger or she spontaneously decided she hates my guts. Those are literally the only two things that could have happened.
I don’t think the comings and goings of Cotton eyed Joe warrant a whole song.
The person in the hotel room above me appears to be getting their 10,000 steps for the day in RIGHT NOW
CLERK: That’ll be 95 cents.
ME: Here’s a dollar.
CLERK: Nickel back?
ME: God, no.
He said I won his heart and I was all “Ugh can I just win like $20? How about a sweater from Sears? A pencil? I could really use a pencil.”
They said she was a cat lady but when I threw her off a small building she didn’t land on her feet and now I’m in jail for murder.
telling people you’re single:
• “you’ll find someone”
• “have you tried tinder”saying “many have tried to date me and all have failed”:
• mystical
• empowering
• sword-in-the-stone vibes
This is the scale that I will be using for everything from now on.
my idea of a perfect crime? I’ll show you
Our roofer is concerned (long story) that “our little ones might eat mulch.” I’m more concerned he’s seeing little ones I don’t know about.
I accidentally made eye contact with someone on a zoom meeting. I quickly looked away dripping in discomfort. Then I remembered it was zoom and we didn’t make eye contact at all, she looked at her camera.
Genie: I shall grant you three wis-
Me: I wish my ex would fall back in love with me
Genie: here’s the thing Jeff, Kate’s with me now…
A cheese so sharp you have to hand it to people backwards.
If you send me game requests on Facebook I’ll visit an adult bookstore and tag you as being with me.
When a guy asks me for pics, I send pics of Margaret Thatcher.
We went to Sam’s today to stock up on essentials. When the cashier said, “That’ll be $301.42.” My son whispered, “Jesus, Mary, and Joseph.”
And that’s when I knew all that Catholic school was paying off.
I want a pet eagle that’s trained to steal people’s sandwiches for me.
“male healers in final fantasy games are weird it feels gay to be healed by a man”
folks are we gonna tell him about real life doctors or nah
I love October. When else do say things like I’ll take a caramel apple & one ticket to be chased through a farmhouse with a butcher knife please.
Had a big fall out with wife and ended up sleeping in my office for a week. Boss saw I was still there when she left each night and there before her each morning and gave me a promotion. Wife and I sorted things out too, best fight ever.
The guy in front of me at the supermarket paid with a check
Not to be outdone, I tried to pay with some turquoise beads and an otter pelt
Me on a dinner date: be cool, be cool, be cool…..
*dips cookie in barbecue sauce
How about I get 100% off by already being there
I’m far to under qualified for adult life and feel like I was promoted to manager far too quickly
Miss 9: When I grow up I’m going to have this house. When you.. you know..
I love being single and independent but my wife says I’m not allowed
Take two chicken wings and call me in the morning.
There should be an “oh my god, shut up already” button.
For valentine’s day, I’m taking my wife to see “50 Shades”.
How long is the movie? I need to know what time to pick her up.