My period was late this month and my first thought after realizing it was, “I’m too young to be pregnant”.
Let the reader understand; I’m weeks away from 29 and already have two children.
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Left work, txted wife “Coming homo.” Then I txted her “Haha whoops, I meant BEcoming homo.”
Pro tip: Next time you’re at a bar, go up to a woman & whisper “Hey, wanna get outta here?”
If she says yes, you can sit where she was.
All I want for Christmas is a domesticated raccoon that wants to eat lasagna with me & go on quirky adventures. It would also be nice if the raccoon could do magic but I understand that is asking a lot and therefore, it is not required.
Saw a Fed Ex driver screaming out the window of his truck “we da real Santa Claus.” New York is the best.
NOAH: whoa hold up, we already have two slugs
SLUG (wearing shell): no no, not slug *taps shell with eyeball* call me snail
NOAH: *narrows eyes* you look like a slug
SLUG: does the big guy know you brought your wife and kids?
NOAH:
SLUG:
NOAH: karaoke’s at 7
It’s cute when kids say what they want to be when they grow up. You’re gonna write emails on the computer buddy
me: *emerging from a ten year coma*
dad: well look who finally got up
If your smol dog fren beelines for me, running across your yard, do not yell for him. If this is how I die, mauled by a floof, so be it.
[ants at a Def Leppard concert]
*Pour Some Sugar on Me starts*
Ant 1: Oh hell yeah I love this one
Ant 2: Sugar is good for us and the queen
[dog park]
Go get it, boy!*dog returns with silver watch, silver bracelet & silver necklace*
Ugh, you’re the worst golden retriever ever
I hope people think my toddler has a slight English accent bc we’re so cultured and not bc she’s basically been raised by Peppa Pig
Lionel Richie: I’m easy like Sunday morning
Sunday morning: wow I’m right here
me: umm did you tell your teacher that means pretend karate moves?
6: no
me:
Me: Which cup do you want?
2-year-old: That one!
Me: Let’s pick a different one.
2-year-old: No!
*drinks milk from a shot glass*
SHEEP: okay you’re in charge of keeping the flock together
ME: what
SHEEP: you herd me
Person: so, how are we today?
Me: well, I dunno about you, but I’m fine, thanks
I listen to true-crime podcasts right before bed so that my nightmares will be more interesting.
Ever noticed how pears in a paper bag always seem to be ripe all together at once? This is because they easily succumb to pear pressure.
Husband: Come on baby, do that thing that I love.
Me: *stuffs an entire jelly doughnut into my mouth*
I know karate and tons of other words.
Kids…you can be happy about it being the last day of school, but you’ll never be as happy as the teachers.
When life gives you lemons you probably have a paper cut.
judge: are you the defendant?
me: haha yup, guilty as charged
my lawyer: *whispers in my ear*
me: um whats the policy on take backs here
I’ve decided to go back to meeting someone the old-fashioned way, through alcohol and poor judgment.
Standing outside your window holding an economy-size bottle of ibuprofen above my head.
I’m perfectly happy to listen to the opinion of anyone who agrees with me.
What do you get if you cross a bear and a wolf? You get eaten is what you get. Stop upsetting scary animals.
[describing criminal]
“Blond hair and brown eyes and…uh…what’s with the green paint?”
BOB ROSS: There’s always room for a happy little tree.
Kidnappers: *repeatedly dropping me as I slip through their grip*
Me: *earnestly apologizing for how sweaty I get during social interactions*
Difference between stoners and drunks are ..5 drunk will start a fight…5 stoners will start a band