I hate when doctors knock before they come in. Like what do you want me to say “who is it?”
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This favourite snack may lower your risk of dementia? Jeeze I hope it’s big sandwiches.
kids are oblivious to everything but let ‘em find a takeout bag in the trash: WHEN DID YOU GO TO MCDONALDS??????????
I just want everyone to know my daughter is a monster. She is dipping french fries in honey mustard. I have failed as a mother.
[Morgan Freeman narrating my life]
*extended period of silence*
“What the hell am I supposed to do with this…”
*puts on kevlar vest, gloves and steel toe boots*
*Heads into Costco on a Saturday*
Putting the table into the shower does make it a little crowded but I needed a good spot for my beer
Ikea Employee: I’m calling security
Surgeon: I can barely cut anything with this scalpel
Nurse: [whispering to patient] I’m sorry he’s just not that into you
Someone called me an “alarmist old lady,” when Boomer Doomer was right there.
Hey Dads who think that being home with the kids alone is called “babysitting”. You’re wrong. It’s called “parenting”. Not the same.
Me: I’m too scared to fly
Therapist: You’re more likely to die from a shark attack than a plane crash
Me: OMG SHARKS CAN FLY?
*bird forgets to set alarm clock*
*worm has pretty laid back morning*
Summer vacation would probably be a little more relaxing if these kids were vacationing somewhere else.
Guy on Tinder: I speak 12 languages
Me:
Guy on Tinder: I made my niece a yacht out of chewing gum, balsa wood, and macaroni
Me: *plays the kazoo perfectly with my left nostril
The news reported a story about an angry woman, in a grocery store, that drop-kicked a cake.
Dear God, woman. Not the cake!
—Interviewer: Do you have any special skill that can benefit our company?
Me:
According to commercials, a woman’s primary goal in life is to lock in moisture.
“SO WE’RE NOT KNOCKING ANYMORE??!!”
RIP that guy in the audience of the eric clapton unplugged session whose head literally exploded when he realized the song was “layla”
Waiter, Waiter, there’s a small slug in my salad.
I’m so sorry Sir, would you like me to bring you a bigger one?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Apparently trying to bribe a zookeeper to set up an animal Thunderdome situation will get you kicked out of the zoo.
Husband: you might want to start adding an occasional LOL
or I’m kidding
or smiley emoji
or I love you into your texts…so if anything ever happens to me it throws off the investigation.
Blowing your load on a girl counts as a baby shower right ?
My birthstone is a marshmallow.
I like to put a few lawnmowers in the back of my truck and follow landscapers all day just to make them nervous
My dog, a descendant of the wolf, runs to me and cries when a leaf gets stuck to his paw
I’m glad nothing I own was made with my own two hands because I really like having hands.
When you’re totalitarian but still want people to have choices…
Do NOT play Yahtzee with squirrels.
one thing the entire animal kingdom has in common is the face we make when our kid won’t shut up