Wife: Whatchya thinking about?
Me: *Thinking about how dogs understand more English words than I understand dog words* Science stuff.
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[presents children to cashier]
I’d like to return these faulty condoms lol
“Matter cannot be created nor destroyed…”
Then explain to me why my kids can manage to turn a bathtub full of water into four bathtubs of water outside of said tub?
wait whoa when did the bermuda triangle stop eating boats
Removing the pots and pans quietly in the morning is the adult version of Operation.
Birdbox, but it’s just me yelling at you not to look when the lights accidentally come on during sex.
I tried to spell perseverance but I gave up in the end
Picture us, making love. Wrong. More cheese.
MY BODY: You should exercise
ME: That sounds good
MY BODY: Because it’s heathy
ME: Yeah!
MY BODY: And makes you feel good
ME: Definitely!
MY BODY: Let’s go exercise!
ME: I’m lost
Me, taking my clothes off at a crematorium: So, where’s the sauna?
I’m just over here waiting for my 1st Richard pic.
[Movie Theatre]
Employee: Theatre 9 will be on your right. Oh hey buddy, don’t forget to get some candy.
8 year old nephew: My uncle already brought some. He’s hiding it.
Me:
Employee:
*my cargo shorts jiggle with the sound of 15 bags of m&m’s as I waddle away quickly*
Good thing he found a cart, because that looks really heavy.
The best part of running at 5am is the irrational, adult fear of zombies to keep you going.
I’m like the mafia to my son.
He only contacts me when he wants money or protection.
much to think about
I decided to tell the kids that Santa is made up but nighttime home invasions are very very real.
I want a transformer who turns into a vacuum (no cool reason I just want him to vacuum)
give a man a fish, that’s a weird gift. try something cool like a harmonica.
Instead of writing letters, let’s wait a week before texting each other back so it still feels like it
Parents would stop celebrating thier children’s first steps if they knew what was about to go down after they master that shit
1st Guy: So it’s agreed we’ll call it “4 Guys Burgers and Fries” .
2nd Guy: I think we should call it “Four Guys” instead of “4 Guys”.
3rd Guy: I agree.
4th Guy: I actually prefer “4 Guys”.
1st Guy: I think we’re going to need a fifth guy.
The great thing about playing the bagpipes is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.
I was in the grocery store when Vogue came on, and while nobody could keep up with my choreography, security did let me finish the routine.
A horse walks into a bar. The batman asks “why the long…” “wait a minute, did you see that typo?” interrupts the horse.
For Halloween I’m just going to put these on and lay down under a house.
Tell me you get it…🤣
I’m withholding sex from my wife right now but she won’t realize it for 6 to 8 weeks.
I forgot the term “gait” so I said the horse had a nice swagger.
Fun Fact:
The human brain isn’t able to register typos or grammar errors until after hitting teh Send button.