Can you imagine if it was normal to say goodbye to everyone in the movie theater? “… have a good one.. enjoyed watching the movie with you..”..
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My 5 yo after I explained the concept of breastfeeding: “can you squeeze Capri Suns outta those things or just milk?”
Judging by the way my kids raced to see who could chug their chocolate milk the fastest at the dinner table, I’d have to say they are never, ever going to be allowed at a keg party.
I once made the irresponsible decision to drink and drive and now I have to live the rest of my days with a coffee stain on my favorite sweater.
Want to annoy the man in your life? Pronounce MMA “mama”.
there are two types of people in the world, those who have to go to Walmart, and those who get to go to Walmart.
“Have you seen my thumb ring?”
~ my proctologist
Nephew: Do you like Minecraft?
Me: [trying to seem cool] I am interested in how mines are built, yes.
No one prepared me for getting hotter with age, yet here I am handling it.
this kangaroo looks like it smells like AXE body spray
Websites really should skip the log in screen and just go straight to the reset password screen.
Daylight Saving Time is a scam. It was originally pushed through Congress by Big Candle.
I was sad to have to throw my son out of home, but it was either him or the cat.
This pregnancy test confirmed my worst fear… I’m just fat.
When I need you, I close my eyes and I’m with you.
Until I hit the guardrail. Then sparks fly and I swerve back onto the road.
You can name literally any food or drink to the dentist and they’ll be like “ohhh 😕 that’s actually so bad for your teeth. You should only eat water and toothpaste.”
Barry?
Yes Joe
Can I borrow Air Force 1? I promised this girl we’d eat at the Pizza Hut in France
No Joe
*Biden slams fist*
THIS IS BULLSHIT
Me *taking long drag on cigarette: “Kids, funerals aren’t really for the dead you know. They’re for the living”
*2 weeks later
[In church]
Priest: “We are gathered here today to…”Me *furiously banging on coffin lid: “This is not what I meant!“
Me: You’re sooo cute!! Come over here and give me a hu—
4 (*leaving the room*): Pause my show.
[sitting in airplane exit row]
me: [taps neighbor on shoulder] this power we wield over life and death is intoxicating
me: can i please have some more?
bank teller: haha you’re gonna get me in trouble but ok ONE more fifty
If this whole existence thing is just a dream, I’d rate it a Rotten Tomatoes 47%: the scenes are haphazardly thrown together, the story drags, the villains are boring and stupid and there’s not enough nudity
Me: *draws pentagram, chants in latin*
Demon: *possesses me*
Me: *head spins around, neck cracks several times* ahh yeah that’s the shit
Demon: same time next week?
I was brought up in the wild by hyenas.
Times were hard, food was scarce but we had some great laughs.
Rhythmic banging against the wall, his hands grasping the sheets. Unable to get what he needs, he gets out of bed to turn off the Roomba.
cat owners be like don’t worry he only scratches if you pet him or feed him or call him or touch him or make noise or walk past him or
As my mate Simon once said, there should be a German word for “there should be a German word for”.
Installing a new drainage system, so right now there’s an open trench surrounding our house.
But I am absolutely no longer allowed to call it a moat and my order for crocodiles to fill it has been cancelled.
*ordering from the neighborhood Saudi restaurant*
Me: I’ll have a quart of the Chicken dump truck with a side of She is suspicious of cheese.
i don’t want to rock and roll all night. i want to sleep all night without having to get up and pee 39 times
The older you get the only functions you attend are bodily..