I think we can all agree: It feels weird to say “The King of England” about a living person.
You Might Also Like
So uh… what level of jumaji are we on today?
[snake charmer struggling to get snake to stand up] I swear this never happens
girlfriend: at my house we call pop soda
me: ok
her dad: *opens door* hello
me: hello sir, or should I say *finger guns* soda
Me: [travels back in time but dies in the vacuum of space because I forgot to account for the earth’s orbit] ope!
I took Social Studies for so many years, but I still don’t know how to socialize
[400 pages into a fantasy book] ok there is no way this is real
If you get a new job before you quit your old one, it’s considered responsible.
But if you do that with your gf, it’s called “cheating.”
My wife’s kidnappers sent her back early with a full apology, some money, and several of their fingers.
After 8 years of research and an obscene amount of funding, we have determined that bat shit is no crazier than any other shit
I never wanted to hug someone as badly as the little old man who just ordered a “small coffee flavored coffee” in Starbucks.
I bought a dead houseplant so it wouldn’t stick out like a sore thumb once I got it home and put it with the others.
I’d pay someone to push me out of pictures when I’m drunk.
I visited a gun shop in Indiana once and had to use the bathroom; inside was a portrait of a naked man with a thick wooden board covering where his private part would be. Curiosity got the best of me and I tried to lift the board. It let off an air horn throughout the whole store
As suspected, someone has been adding soil to my garden.
The plot thickens.
4: *tells me a loooong rambling story about school*
Me: *asks her ONE follow up question*
4: don’t want to talk about it anymore
Can someone call me right now? I’m at the dog park and my ringtone is a doorbell.
There are two rules in life:
1. Never tell anyone everything.
Rachel Ray now makes cat food with real beef just like the cows my cat would eat in the wild.
“Dad can we get a puppy?”
“No but we can get a submarine if you like?”
[2 hours later 3000m beneath the pacific]
“dad I should be at school”
Me: *pulls in driveway after not finding what I needed at Target*
[text from wife]: I’m in the checkout line, where r u?
Me: *backs out of driveway*
my 4yo sniffs out medicine in the popsicles, milkshakes and pudding we give him so quickly he has a promising career as a narcotics dog
News “Don’t go outside. The temperatures are life threatening”
Hot flash “LOL. Challenge accepted.”
Hobbies are so different in San Francisco. Everyone is like, “I went for a hike” or “We took a drive along the coast.” In New York it was like, “I looked outside for awhile and decided it wasn’t worth it.”
Rededicate Christopher Columbus statues to the Chris Columbus who directed Mrs. Doubtfire
I’m just a girl sitting here wondering which outfit I own goes best with bad decisions…
So Ive started a sarcasm club.
It would mean the world to me if you joined.
Steps to survive on a dessert island:
1. check spelling
2. if correct, enjoy
Coworker: Wow, you look great! How’d you lose weight so quickly?
Me, without emergency loaves of bread stuffed in my clothes because it was raining when I left for work and I don’t like soggy bread: No bread
WIFE:The pinata is in the tree out back
ME:Huh? I sent the kids to the one in front
W:What one in front?
*angry bees are just everywhere*
What percentage of the zombies are just chasing you down to tell you they’re vegan?