I’ll write I’ll write I’ll write.
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You can’t spell fries without friends. I guess what I’m saying is that fries are friends. Delicious friends.
My flight was delayed
-boring
-pathetic
-i never would have let that happen to meI have been waylaid on my voyage
-oh shit
-thats so mysterious what does he mean
-this guy must be forlorn as hell
“i’m really more of a dog person.” — werewolf
Calling a movie “Psycho” ruins the surprise because you know there’s going to be a psycho in it. It should have been called “Normal, Maybe”
My financial advisor recommended I join a doomsday cult.
My guide to NyQuil:
Name brand red: no horse in your head
Store brand green: a horse will be seen
*at the end of a 3 day weekend*
Me: I will miss the kids when they go back to school tomorrow, I wish we had more time
The universe: here is a snow delay
Me: no, not like that
The Earth gets a day, Sharks get a week. That sounds about right.
I love when my husband says, “correct me if I’m wrong,” like I would pass up that opportunity.
Hear me out: a dating service that matches you based on your food delivery orders like “this person also ordered Chinese food five nights in a row”
friend: have u accepted jesus christ as yr savior so u can be allowed into the kingdom of heaven?
me: who all going?
My therapist: try working on your active listening skills
Me: goes home and binges Peaky Blinders with no subtitles
My type is 12 pt Helvetica.
Neighbor: Hi buddy, how you doing this morning?
My 3 year old: Good. My mom puts heavy things on me at night so I can’t move or get out of bed.
A weighted blanket. We gave him a weighted blanket.
HYPNOTIST: YOU ARE FEELING SLEEPY
ME: kinda safe bet there
HYPNOTIST: YOU WILL DANCE LIKE AN OCTOPUS
ME: again, still no surprises.
Me: Could I plz continue watching the thing I was watching the last time I was on here
Hulu: Sure! ….if you can find it 😏
bartender: what can I get u
me: a lot
WHY IS A GROUP OF SQUIDS NOT A SQUAD
*pulls fire alarm in apt building*
*everyone runs outside*
[Me on megaphone]IVE GATHERED U HERE B/C SOME OF U STILL HAVE CHRISTMAS LIGHTS UP
we call em houseplants like thats where they belong but its just where we put em thats like if u threw me in the sewer & called me sewer boy
I lost 6 hours of sleep last night, lying in bed wondering if Muppets get haircuts.
Sir, would you like to upgrade your $7 small popcorn to a large and get a soft drink for an additional $1200?
The ample amount of cheese on anything is more
I never got into House MD because it was too farfetched. A doctor who’s rude and doesn’t listen to you?
Not sure who needs to hear this, but a group of porcupines is called a prickle.
“You want crumbs with that?”
-My bed, every night.
son: i caught a tadpole!
me: actually that’s a dadpole
son: i’m confused
*from fishing net* hi confused, i’m dad
78, 68, 77, 69, 78, 68, 75, 65, 75, 67, 79, 60
My mom & me, changing the thermostat behind each other’s backs.
[doctor’s office]
ME: I’m here for my test results
[the vulture perched above his desk shuffles impatiently]
DR: I have some bad news…
I don’t know why they call this a house cat he doesn’t even like techno.