[Premiere of A River Runs Through It]
Beavers: Booooo!
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Me: don’t be hitting!
Her, 5: I didn’t hit him!
Him, 9: you threw a block at me!
Her, 5: yeah, but I missed!
Help your friends diet by replacing the light in their fridge with an air horn.
waiter: do you have any questions about the menu
me: yes what’s the name of this font used for the meats
A friend with benefits would just be a bestie with a laser hair removal salon for me.
I’ve studied enough modern theater to know that inviting another couple over for dinner never ends well.
The only real difference between my 20s and my 30s is that now I make all my bad decisions before midnight.
Practice self-care like a mummy, wrap your body tightly with a blanket & put an ancient curse on anyone who disturbs you.
Goat: So, I make a ridiculous sound?
God: Yes.
Goat: Anything else weird I should know about?
God: Horizontal Pupils
Goat: What the- *stiffens, falls sideways*
God: YouTube is gonna love you.
Calling someone unconventionally attractive is so funny like yeah you’re kind of busted but I can bravely see the beauty in you due to my Open Mind
4-year-old: Are goats real?
Me: Of course they are. I can show you some if you want.
4: *runs away*
Apparently she was saying “ghosts.”
Mob boss: fellas, restrain him
me: you can’t restrain me if you’ve never strained me
Mob boss: and gag him
A door was tried in court.
It was an open and shut case.
God: “Adam looks kind of lonely down there. What should I do?”
Frog: “ribbit”
God: “haha, alright man”
911: 911, What’s your emergency?
Me: It’s John again.
911: John, seriously!!!
Me: I know. I know. Just an ambulance if possible. No cops.
Fun Fact: 100% of people don’t know what to do with a dirty dish at someone else’s house.
my computer is organized exactly like my brain, which is to say that I just found a photo of a baby weasel alone in a folder called “good”
*Big Bad Wolf sees 3 little pigs planning to build houses of straw, lumber and brick
*buys stock in Home Depot
I feel like calling it a “nervous system” was just setting me up for failure.
Before encouraging everyone to “do whatever makes you happy,” ask if anyone is a sadist. Don’t encourage the sadists.
Twitter is composed of all the kids who used to giggle in sex ed
True friends show up during the middle of a bad date, dressed like a police officer and pretend to arrest you for murdering 7 other guys after the first date.
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Hunting accident. I think my friend is dead
911: Can you verify that he’s dead?
*gunshot*
Me: Yep, he’s dead
The shortest distance between two points is over a cyclist.
~Australian drivers, apparently.
You’d think since I
– ordered the pizza
– went to get it
– waited for it
– brought it home
– let my kids split the last piece
– let my kids have all the dessertThey would throw the box away while I walked the dog.
You’d think wrong.
Me, writes out daily outfits for trip on stationary, folds each outfit together, makes labels with the day I am to wear said outfit and attaches it to the folded pile and lays each gently into suitcase.
Husband, “Do you think I need more than 3 pairs of socks?”
fireworks, because firehasbillstopay
‘Twas the day before Lent, and when it was done, not a creature was sober, not even a nun.
Just bought a 2013 calender, a rope and a stool. I like to keep the store clerk guessing.
Me 7 hours into an 8 hour car ride: Do you want me to drive?
Husband: