We’ve got to stop looking at legumes and thinking “I could milk that”
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Michelle Obama should have dropped the mic and moonwalked out.
There’s this guy at work who’s always putting on a sweatshirt. No one’s ever seen his face.
Are people with googly eyes better at searching for stuff?
ME: cheese omelette
WAITER: chicken or Cadbury Creme eggs
ME: hmmm… you know what, surprise me
When a raccoon stands up and cracks his knuckles, stop shaving him immediately.
We had 7 chocolates and 3 kids, so I ate 4 cause I am a problem solver.
She said “you look like trouble”…so I nudged her down the stairs, because I don’t like people falling short of their expectations.
idk flipping houses looks really hard
I only came because I was told we would be playing Hungry Hungry Hippos.
“Girl, are you a tree? cause-”
“no i’m not a tree”
“..cause i want-”
“why are you still talking i’m not a tree”
“.. i want t-”
“not a tree”
Me: So many of my days have become an endless stream of snack-time, nap-time, tantrum-time, screen-time, bath-time, whining, and a lot of incoherent mumbling in between.
Them: I remember those days! How old are your kids?
Me: Kids?
when adam driver cut his arm in marriage story my mom said “hemorrhage story” and I thought that was a pretty good one
Mugger: Give me your wallet and… is that a Rolex?
Me: It’s a fake.
Mugger: What about her diamond ring. Is that fake?
Me: *nervously look at my wife* No, no. That’s 100% real…
[lumberjack interview]
BOSS: I’m gonna “axe” you a few questions. Haha do you get it?
ME: Yeah I “saw” that coming
BOSS: Ooo welcome aboard!
Programming is chaotic magic. There are no rules. You ask a game dev “Can the player summon a giant demon that bursts from the ground in an explosion of lava?” and they’ll say “sure, that’s easy” and then you’ll ask “can the player wear a scarf?” and they’ll go “oof”
Alien wife: I hope you get sucked into a black hole.
Alien hubby: Yours? Hahaha
*slaps where his knee should be*
How to lose weight:
1. Name your kid Weight
2. Take it to the mall
Trying to take the best instagram picture ever but the kittens keep drowning in the latte.
Saw a billboard that said “anxiety? Paranoia? It could be meth.” And it’s like oh my God I’ve been on meth this whole time.
I’m going spiraling, do you need anything?
“Are You Hugging Me, Or Are You Trying to Wipe Snot on My Shirt?”
– A Novel About Living with Small Children
Adding “Noted muralist” to Wile E. Coyote’s Wikipedia page.
My daughter invented a game she calls “cellphone.” I have to pretend to be a stranger, while she plays herself and just tells me about her life. For hours. She enjoys this game considerably more than I do.
Hey girls, you are not a “mommy” just because you own a dog. You have to have a kid to be a mommy. If you are a mommy, then I am a dragon.
Area Man Marries Woman He Barely Knows After 5 Years Of Dating
I backed my car into my husband’s car once when we were dating and for 25 years he’s not parked behind me.
Today:
– do what I bloody well please
– hurl insults in iambic pentameter
– sexy bacon eating
– ale
– archery
– ladies
– enjoy the little things (like violent mood swings)
– pies
Hey is it just me or is there another two-letter pronoun used to refer to oneself as the object of a verb or preposition?