Money doesn’t grow on trees sounds like something rich people would say so you don’t go looking for their money trees
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“Sorry I was skeptical about your cough.”
-my new line of Get Well cards
One time I bought these shoes from a drug dealer, and I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day
Why are the people on soap operas always CEOs?
Nobody works at Walmart?
Me: whale sharks should really pick a lane ya know
Aquarium guide: let’s focus on finding your kid
May your day taste like creamy soup.
“I’m not like other American tourists.” I tell the waiter, who looks at us puzzled, so I sigh and repeat myself slower and louder.
My wife learned the closer you travel to the speed of light, the longer you live. Now she drives like she wants to live forever.
me: but jesus, I noticed that during the most troublesome times of my life there was only one set of footprints
jesus: (takes hit off vape) that was when you were being super sketch bro, like major vibe killer kind of behavior from you
We flip out at the weatherman when he gets it wrong like twice a month. In the 1600s, if you guessed the weather correctly even once, they’d call you a witch and burn you at the stake.
Top Four Signs of Job Security:
4. Promotions and raises
3. Specialized skills
2. Top producer
1. Compromising photos of the boss
Sooo romantic. He said I’m a work of art.
Or a piece of work. Something like that.
Me: Sorry, I don’t have any alcohol in the house.
Her: Oh, you don’t drink?
Me: No, I drink. I just drink faster than other people…
I don’t trust scrapbookers because I feel it’s a slippery slope to ransom letters
[interview]
BOSS: So I see you majored in communication?
ME: No…miscommunication
BOSS: Your resume clearly says communication
ME: See?
Branch manager is like “I need you both to be on the reference desk.”
“Oh. I have some work I was going to do in the back.”
“Just do it at the desk, it won’t be too busy.”
“Then why do you need me there?”
“Because it’s gonna be really busy.”
You don’t wash your hands. Technically they wash themselves.
[Scientific Conference]
Scientist 1: So science?
Scientist 2: *nodding* Science.
so yesterday i gave my number to a cute guy in the dining hall… LMFAOOO
Condoleeza Rice’s less successful sister is Apartmentleeza Rice.
If your neighbor has wind chimes, you have wind chimes.
Treat her like she’s the only girl on Earth. Nothing makes a woman happier than the thought of every other woman disappearing forever.
I open a yogurt like I’m opening a coffin
Cleaning out my handbag. Wondering if nine pens are enough.
Her: We need to talk
Me: *tucking in my pet racoon* Why?
You know what cats don’t like? Blow dryers.
You know what’s funny? Pointing your blow dryer at your cat.
Anyway, I lost an eye today.
Movie Executive: We love the script but what are we gonna call it?
Writer: *monkey in disguise* Monkey
Exec: I dont think that works
Writer: Se-seven Monkeys
Exec: The number of monkeys isn’t really the prob-
Writer: TWELVE monkeys
Exec: Now.. hold on a second.
* kids arguing loudly about which one of them is my favorite *
– dog & I exchange knowing glances and wink as I slip him another treat
Kids won’t remember they have homework but they’ll remember you promised them Robux if they did their chores for the whole month
my best friend and i made a pact that if we’re both still single when we’re 40 we will go on a horrifying nationwide crime spree
Don’t worry, men. Women can’t tell women to calm down either.