I’m a people person. I live in a house home where I enjoy food meals and listening to music songs.
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Had to change my work password twice today and I’m rapidly running out of Brendan Fraser movies.
I’m worried my dog will never find out who’s a good boy.
me: I made a model of the himalayas
friend: did you build them to scale?
me: no, just to look at
friend: what
ME: OMG did I just get a shout-out on the radio?
GETAWAY DRIVER: [turning off police scanner] Kinda
We’re all eagerly waiting for that one opportunity, e-mail, or moment to positively change our lives, but text message scams really need to step up their game. No one offering anything of actual value would start a message by saying “CITIZEN! YOU HAVE BEEN SELECTED.”
PRIEST: does anyone object to this marriage
ME: (clearing throat)
BRIDE:
GROOM:
PRIEST:
ME: i accidentally swallowed a Lego just now
If I could make water into wine, I’d probably stumble out of a cave 3 days later too.
Indiana Jones: I present the Ark of the Covenant, sacred crypt of the Ten Commandments.
Rick from Pawn Stars: I’ll give you 25 bucks.
Ticks are pests.
People pay money to get them removed.But on Twitter, people pay to get them placed.
Confuse your least favorite person at work by moving in slow motion when they’re the only person watching you
Parenting a 3yo is basically a series of non stop negotiations.
Me: We have to leave the playground so we can do two more things.
3yo: no five more things!
Me: no, one more thing.
3yo: yay one more thing!
Bless their stupid little hearts.
Whoever named rice cakes is probably also responsible for Paris, Texas
It’s beginning to cost a lot like Christmas.
*creators of the alphabet, exhausted, and near the end*
Whatever, let’s just call this letter…double u.
Cool shirt 🙂
Fun fact: zombies actually walk normal when they’re drunk
If I were a billionaire I wouldn’t build rockets to escape to Mars. I would build rockets to make everyone else leave Earth.
Once my husband had me watch a video of “the most amazing guitar player ever,” and I patiently watched in silence until the video was over before disclosing that I had dated the guy. It was an awesome moment.
They:’What doesn’t kill you..’
Me:’I don’t want to be stronger.’
Starting to think that adult supervision is a myth. In fact, my eyes seem to be getting worse.
If I say goodnight and an hour later you see me online it’s not that I lied it’s just that I failed.
When you are having a new mattress installed, remember to hide your “toys” BEFORE the movers arrive.
I bet the worst part about being a birthday cake is when you’re set on fire, and then eaten by the hero that saved you.
Nothing wakes you up faster than a 5 y/o kicking open your door like SWAT and jumping on you in bed.
God..how many exercise videos do you have to buy before you get some results
professor x: whats your superpower
ostrich: i lay big egg
professor x [telepathically to xmen]: i can save us money on breakfast
ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale
I drink a lot of water for someone who claims to hate being alive
Cop: spread’em!
Me: *frantically starts buttering bread*
Me: I’ll be there in five minutes
Pharmacist: It should be ready
Me: *time travels ten years to the future, goes to store*
Mutant Insect Pharmacist: It’ll be another fifteen minutes
Me: I KNEW IT