Chamomile tea makes chamomile pee.
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Damn boy! What’s your zodiac sign? Bc I think we should make that Sagittariuu into SagittariUS
Oh you’re a Leo? Le OH ..where are you going?
If my memory foam mattress really had “memory,” it could write for Penthouse.
My 12-year-old daughter has been watching Hallmark movies all day and eyeing me with increasing disdain
Just went to Walgreens & they’re a bunch of liars. Their walls were more of a beige color. I’m suing.
Me: I’m pretty brave.
Wife: You shrieked in terror at a potato.
Me: It had stuff growing out of it. I could’ve died.
Welcome to your 40’s. Now you get excited about finding your car in a parking lot.
Californians forget how to drive when it rains
God: send them snow
all i’m saying is that i probably would have used a different font here.
Wife: Your resolution this year should be to listen to me better.
Me: Bacon would be great, thanks.
Mom, I have a runny nose I don’t need a rectal thermometer.
Plus, I’m 35
It should be illegal for your kids to change their favorite color without giving you a 30 day notice
I bought a book on Feng Shuis but I don’t know where to put it.
someone told me today that young people can’t afford homes because we spend all our money on “toys like boats and ATVs” and now I am desperate to meet the one Millennial Hell-Child commuting from their basement apartment in a speedboat and giving us all a bad name.
I keep getting a message that “Twitter is having issues”
Good job guys…we drove twitter crazy!
Publisher: it’s genuinely awful to spend time with your main character, no redeeming qualities whatsoever. can we change that?
Me: it’s my autobiography.
Randomly covering one eye for long periods of time so people think I’m part of that cult
I was thirty five years old before I realized that a hamlet wasn’t an omelette with ham.
You lost your mind? Don’t worry. Ask any mom and she’ll find it within two minutes.
*Friend hands me their baby. I whisper*
The blood so fresh & pure. It’s perfect for the sacrifice.
And that’s how I get out of babysitting.
The most dangerous game but it’s just me seeing how many pages of a kids book I can skip at bedtime
I’m at my most walk of shame when I’m wearing sweatpants heading back to the buffet for the third time.
I asked a friend if he’d eat a piece of dog crap for $1K and he asked “From whose dog?” I’m having a hard time accepting that as a factor.
Sometimes you need to give someone a second chance, those are the times there are no stairs around to push them down
Nasa: Perseverance rover, status report
Perseverance: THERE ARE OTHER DEAD ROVERS HERE
Nasa: now calm down-
Perseverance: THIS IS A PLANET OF DEATH
Part of adulthood is finding a hobby that you don’t have time for.
playboy: “apparently they just read it for the articles” [takes out all nude women]
every man on earth: “well this has back-fired massively”
I could’ve chosen a life of crime but it seems like it would interfere with my 9pm bedtime.
So guy walks up to me and puts his fist out for a bump and somehow I reach out, grab it and shake slightly.
If you need me I’ll be behind hiding my couch forever..
If you are what you eat I’m a small family of ladybugs 🙂
I thought my wife was super pissed at me, but it turns out she was only “disappointed” in me. Thank God, I definitely dodged a bullet there