Lionel Richie: I’m easy like Sunday morning
Sunday morning: wow I’m right here
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Relationship status:
My neighbour/girlfriend was kidnapped but she’s ok now, I was caught.
Someone just told me to dim the lights and called it a beauty tip.
RIP little boat. I can’t think of a more dinghy friend, canoe?
If you use the word “whatevs” I will refuse to drink with you, unless you’re buying me a drink then whatevs.
Me: I’m loving this, look at us, we’re practically finishing each other’s….
Her: …Fries ?
Me: Yeah, we’re done here!
PIGEON KID: I need to go bad
PIGEON MOM: Try to hold it until we find a statue
reporter: tell us how you thwarted the robbery
me: [shrugs] he told us to put our hands where he could see them so I put them over his eyes
“I hate fancy restaurants. I can never pronounce anything on the menu”
-me, drunk, holding the Waffle House menu upside down
My wife is amazing in bed. She can fall asleep immediately no matter how loud the TV is on.
I’m starting an emu farm and calling it ‘no fly zone’ so the birds don’t feel bad.
“Did you see that new drama last night?”
“No?”
“Oh you’d love it!”
“What’s it called?”
“I can’t remember”
“What channel’s it on?”
“It was either BBC or ITV, I think”
“Who’s in it?”
“That chap who was in the other thing, he’s been in loads of things”
“Right, I’ll check it out”
I took my toddler on a 2 mile hike so confident it would tire him out, we finally made it back to our car and he asked if we could go one more time.
Heroic fire saves man from having horrible house
“I don’t know, sometimes I just wish there was a room you could sit in that made breathing harder.”
– inventor of the sauna
I’m aging like an avocado. By the time I finally noticed my prime it was too late.
[during prison riot]
cellmates: we’re busting out. you coming?
me: *shakes magic 8 ball*
magic 8 ball: ask again later
me: shoot hang on
My kids, writing negative political ads:
Mommy. She says Maybe but it is always going to be No.
Mommy. She says to eat fruit but she smells of chocolate.
Mommy. She says we don’t say those words but then she watches the news and she says all of them.
Instead of writing letters, let’s wait a week before texting each other back so it still feels like it
Doctor: *eyes wide*
Me: let me start by saying it seemed like a good idea at the time
My Google search history is me checking how to spell hors d’oeuvres 3,729 times.
Me: what is my final challenge
*dragon appears*
Me: oh no
Dragon: spell necessary
Me: OH NO
COMCAST: have you considered getting with the world’s number one selling broadband?
ME: [thinking he meant the Spice Girls] ..all the time.
I have a migraine and my stomach hurts. A fast food burger and fries should help.
We have a house full of chairs and couches, yet my 3-year-old chose to sit on a grocery bag full of bread.
You can’t explain children. You just survive them.
Whenever the wife asks what I’m eating. I chew faster like a dog and refuse to open my mouth
day 9 in quarantine: On my way to working from home
To apply for a job at Hooters do they hand you a bra and say, “Here, just fill this out.” ?
If Socrates had been a woman, he would’ve said: All I know is that I have all these clothes, but I have nothing to wear.