Boss: Where’d you go??
Me: I got all the way up front and realized I forgot my pen.
Boss: Okay?
Me: So I went to lunch.
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People who say, “Make it rain” about anything other than weather are the people who reply to spam emails about sexy singles in their area.
‘see you in hell’ so it’s a date?
Sharks have to keep moving so their creditors can’t find them.
BARISTA: Would you like to try our new special Peruvian blend? It’s sm-
ME: I’m just trying to stay awake and not punch anyone.
me: babe get your finger measured
her: [hopeful] is it for what i think it is?
me: [ordering custom puppets] you’ll see
If you don’t want to play with me I’ll just play with myself!
– Overheard in 2nd grade today… Me too kid, me too.
I hope in my next life I come back as a McChicken so men will look at me lovingly and also settle for me out of desperation
The only reason I’d want to go to heaven is to speak to the manager.
So to fix my shitty attention span I just need to read your list of ten different 400 page books on concentration…
me, to shovel salesman: [at a shovel store] how’s this do with like dirt & stuff?
shovel salesman: i’m not gonna bullshit you it’s pretty good
like my toaster, i too spend a lot of time in my kitchen making sudden movements and burning things.
Me: I’d like a raspberry margarita.
Waitress: Do you want sugar on your rim?
Me:
Waitress:
Me: [looking nervously at my wife]
Wife: OMG SHE IS TALKING ABOUT THE DRINK
(1:35pm) God: Yo Abraham
(1:37pm) Abe: sup
(1:38pm) God: Need u to kill ur son
(1:42pm) Abe: k(4:02pm) God: jk lol
(4:10pm) God: u there?
me: i hate my job
gf: why don’t you try living off the land
me: like in the sky?
gf: what
me: you’re right, i’ve been shackled by earthly bonds far too long
Teenaged girls post pics of their bodies and they’re ‘sexy.’
I post pics of my bodies and I’m a ‘Serial Killer.’
They say the camera adds 10 lbs.
Looks like fast food added the other 40.
When I was in 2nd grade, a girl in my class had a large pack of crayons. I wanted it. She asked if I would trade her my soul for the crayons. I said yes. But my mom made me trade her back so I could keep my soul & said if I traded my soul away again, I was grounded.
Judas: still on for Friday?
Jesus: Friday?
Judas: yeah, the last supper
Jesus: the what?
Judas: supper. Normal supper with the fellas
I still have all the energy to go to concerts and stay out until two am.
I do not, however, still have the energy for the next day.
*wears camouflage to a family reunion*
Rock bottom implies the existence of paper bottom and scissors bottom.
Getting money from “the Tooth Fairy” is a gateway drug to organ trafficking.
i think the scariest thing about entering the witness protection program would be my new astrological sign
*entire building at my work loses power*
*I run all the way to Linda’s office*
Remember when you said light up shoes were a dumb idea?
music journalism is simply finding a thousand ways of saying ‘good and also catchy’
Left the kids alone in a room with some styrofoam. One just yelled “it’s snowing” and the other started singing jingle bells. What have I done
Me: I can’t wait to say goodbye to 2021!
2022: *Somehow already on fire*
G: Grandma (completely safe watch with grandma)
PG: Partial Grandma (slightly awkward)
PG13: 13 or more cusses (very awkward)
R: NO grandmas
My daughters took turns tracing each other over and over with chalk.
Now it looks like 25 children were murdered in my driveway.
My 6yo set a timer so that I could have a rest after eating. When the alarm went off it was time for me to go play with him.
He set the timer for 11 seconds. Plenty of time for a rest.