Give me five hundred good reasons you think I’m too demanding.
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me: we should have a housewarming party
dad: [moving to block the thermostat] a what now
Would I miss my leg or my arm more?
(me, lying in bed, deciding which to put outside the blanket for the monster under the bed to rip off)
*me filing for unemployment*
Unemployment office: be sure to call back between 11am-3pm as those are our hours
Me: so you’re only open 4 hours
Unemployment Office: yes any other questions
Me: yes how do I work at the unemployment office
this makes me so uncomfortable
The only person who might be able to conclusively prove I’m not Batman is Batman. And until he does, the jury is out.
“Waitress!”
Waitress: “Sir?”
“Could you check the rest-room? My date has been gone 2 hours. Also, her coat has been stolen”
Writing a horror story where parents won’t just drop off their children for a play date. They also want to sit and talk. It’s called, “You Really Don’t Have to Stay.”
Me: I want a snack.
Husband: You could have veggies.
Me: …I have never felt less heard in this marriage than I do now.
This morning, my 3 year old son emerged from our bedroom wearing several of my wife’s scarves and every bracelet she owns. I know he’s young, and saying this may make me appear close-minded and intolerant, but I don’t want him growning up to be Johnny Depp.
I may be getting old but not “doesn’t know what day of the week it is” old. I can tell by which day I open on my daily pill organizer.
4 year olds really apologize like “I’m sorry I accidentally did that on purpose.”
Motherhood is when your child looks like a sparkling cherub and you look like a steaming pile of nope.
You strike me as one of those people who show up and debunk all the fun in the last 2 minutes of an otherwise scintillating UFO TV program.
10 year old me preparing to tell my mom at 9pm I need glue and construction paper for my project due tomorrow.
Never ask anyone eating their meal directly out of a pot on the stove how their day was
My lotion bottle says to use it on areas of irritation, so I slathered it all over my coworker, Deborah.
I don’t always pick my nose in front of the window but when I do a neighbor will inevitably drive by
I wish my car’s back-up camera had a “Save” button, because some of the expressions on their faces.
Having no clue about human anatomy is my Achilles Elbow.
winter should be a week maybe two. ride the high of the holidays and go out with a bang— this whole overstaying its welcome thing is a bad look
Hey babies — Trains haven’t gone “choo-choo” for 150 years, get it together.
I hate when I’m drunk and someone says “I’ll talk to you in the morning” like I’m not gonna be drunk then too.
Feeling a little guilty about looking for a new laptop on my laptop.
Just Jedi mind tricked my BF into buying me a new phone. Well not really, I had to moan during sex and promised to be nice to his mom.
Clerk: we’re not that kind of mom and pop shop
Batman: *eyes welling*
My Daddy taught me to lick it before I stick it- I say to the judges as I hang a spit covered spoon from my nose.
Guy from the Prodigy: I’m a firestarter, twisted firestarter
Me: Okay fine
Guy from the Prodigy: You’re the firestarter, twisted firestarter
Me: Aww man don’t drag me into this shit
Today my 7 year-old came into the room crying. I asked him what happened and he said that his 5 year-old brother put 80 cows in his house in Minecraft while he was offline and that it was “entirely too many cows” and honest to christ I have no idea how to parent any of this.
POLICE: Sir, do you know how fast you were going?
ME: Jealous much?
inventor of ceilings: *pointing at the floor* like this but up there