The easiest way to woo a girl is show up to her door with a loaf of garlic bread
You Might Also Like
Ever wonder what it’s like to work with the public?
ubereats: it will cost £3.50 extra to send this cheeseburger to your house
me: ye ye ye hurry up gimmewikipedia: please donate to this website you find very useful or we will die
me: LMAOOOOOOOOOO
I yell at couples buying houses like normal people yell at sports on tv
Me: are you going to be a better listener?
Pause
5: maybe is the best I can do
Sorry to bang on about this but the lack of references to penguins in the Bible is undermining my faith
If the sun is so hot how come it’s single
“Are you okay?”
Me anytime I meet someone named Annie.
grocery shopping hungry is way more interesting than full, hungry me is down to eat anything and everything
The guy at the dispensary sold me on live resin edibles and said “just start with one and see how u feel after 45 mins” but i said to myself hey my tolerance is high i can probably take 3 . it’s been 20 mins and i fear i’ve made a grave mistake.
Teenager grumpily walks into the kitchen rubbing her eyes.
Me: Oh, I’m sorry, did me making my lunch at 11 AM disturb your slumber?
a weighted blanket just isn’t cutting it anymore. i need a hydraulic press
carpooler: what’d you think “beat the traffic” meant?
ryu from streetfighter: I don’t wanna talk about it
No thank you, gym membership. The only thing worse than riding a bike is riding a bike that goes nowhere.
Happy Earth Day. You don’t look a day over 4,400,000,000 and get hotter every year.
THERAPIST: are you still using euphemisms to get friends to go jogging
ME: no one ever wants to have the runs with me
The internet is cool because you can make a joke about cannibalism being bad and someone will respond with, “Actually, it’s racist NOT to eat people.” And you’re 95% sure he’s just the dumbest person alive but you still have to google for 20 minutes to make sure you’re not racist
Surgeon: I need someone to unroll this bandage, stat!
Cat nurse, excitedly: I’ve got this.
PET SHOP OWNER: So would u like a puppy for your son?
ME: Yes[home]
WIFE: Where’s Tommy?
ME [with a puppy] ok so they offered me this deal
INTERVIEWER: Would you like a donut?
ME: *takes three*
I: Um, ok, what’s your greatest strength?
ME: [grabbing two more donuts] Self-control
“Theirye’re” problem solved
No horror movie can surpass the sensation of touching your pockets and not feeling your cell phone.
Who wants a McKnuckle sandwich?
Just saw the first robin of the year so you know what that means. Batman can’t be far behind.
Attacked by a mop.
BFF: You better be dying calling me at 2 AM.
Me: This is important! If Kim Possible marries Ron Stoppable and take his last name does that change her ability to do anything?
BFF: I hate you.
I should get paid a lot more for being the boss of me
i don’t think it’ll all fit in there
It would be easier if they just reported which parts of the globe aren’t on fire and don’t have hurricanes.
society: let’s give mothers their very own day
me: what about sharks?
society: we’ll give them a whole week
Cookie dough and vodka are not dinner.
Coocie dogh and vodka are nt diner.
Cokie dgh and vodkka arnt dinr.
Ckidgvkljtdcbr.