Me: Just once?
Dog:
Me: Please?
Dog:
Me: Say, “I’m a law-biting citizen”
Dog: That’s not water in your cup, is it?
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[talks about how badass wolves are for 20 mins]
date: can we talk about something else?
[pulls out powerpoint on why wolves are badass] No
It’s only Canoodling if it’s with an actual Canadian.
Otherwise it’s just store brand noodling.
Given the number of tampon’s wrappers in our trash either my wife is searching for the 1 with a Golden Ticket or shit just got real.
Recipe: After adding oil to skillet, sweat onions.
My cooking anxiety: I got this!
In my 20’s: I want to find true love.
In my 40’s: I just want a toaster that gets me.
My husband decided to surprise us by coming home a day early from his business trip.
The real surprise was how quickly we made it look like we didn’t just eat, drink & binge-watch every show in his absence.
Leo: *names his child Oscar*
Doctor: “Would you like to hol-”
Leo: “Say it like we rehearsed it.”
Doctor: *sighs* “And the Oscar goes to…”
Yeah, I use She pronouns.
But not like a girl, like a boat.
*Girl comes out in a slinky dress*
ME: Ooh that looks like fun
*I push her down the stairs*
Sensei: Class, one of the principles of judo is using your opponent’s weight against him.
Student: So…we fat-shame him into submission?
Dear chapsticks that keep getting lost,
Take me with you.
*grandma climbs into time machine*
*shuts the door behind her*
MOM NANA IS STUCK IN THE GRANDFATHER CLOCK AGAIN
I want to follow a random family around Disneyland for a day and just be in the background of all of their photos.
“Mr Bond I’m afraid your license to chill has been revoked.” “I thought it was a license to kill” “ok that’s part of why we called you here”
When I was younger, I never liked the monkey bars, because monkeys are mean drunks.
As soon as I walk in, I can feel every woman at the gym dressing me with their eyes.
The best thing about owning a Smart Car is when it gets dirty, you can just put it in the dishwasher.
In third grade a boy gave me a valentine that said “You’re the Obi Wan for me” and that’s the highlight of my entire dating experience.
A chicken pie in Jamaica costs £2.00
A chicken pie in Trinidad costs £2.40
A chicken pie in St Kitts costs £2.15These are the pie rates of the Caribbean
They built different out in Florida man. Hitting a Gator with a cast iron skillet is nuts 🤣
You know you got a bad haircut when she insists on giving you a $10 discount.
Women have a good 6th sense. I smiled at a girl in the mall once. When I got home I opened the door and my wife met me with a drop kick.
I wanted to be the last man on Earth just to find out if all those ladies were lying to me.
(team meeting)
boss: i’ve always had a no nonsense, take no prisoners approach to…excuse me but what’s with all the looks of disdain?
me: what? oh yeah…since we dropped the mask mandate, it’s difficult to remember that my face isn’t covered.
boss:
Husband: Now that our younger son is 6 and our older one doesn’t turn 10 for a few months, you know what that means
Me: No, what?
H: It’s the summer of 6 and 9
Me: get out
humans only use 10% of their treadmills
Me: I hate people.
H: I challenge you to say something positive.
Me: I’m positive I hate people.
Cat: Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk… [ *Coughs up hairball* ]
Dog: You gonna eat that?
I bought way too much food when the pandemic began and now my tater tots are tater tweens.
9 out of 10 wives agree their husbands are always wrong and the other one just doesn’t wanna talk about it right now.