I was going to make myself a belt made out of watches but then I realized it would be a waist of time.
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I told my 8yo to stop fighting with her sister, and she said “I’ll stop fighting with my sister when you stop fighting with yours.”
[having sex]
Her: HARDER!
ME: Divide 110 into two parts so that one will be 150% of the other. What are the 2 numbers?
Her: 44&66 HARDER!
Cinderella: I lost another shoe
Prince Charming: *through clenched teeth* who is he
They laughed when I said I was going to be a comedian.
Well, they’re not laughing now.
God: bite into this onion like it’s an apple
Abraham: what?
Jesus: dude he gets like this sometimes, just do it
Abraham, biting the onion: ew gross
God: lol nice. Ok now sacrifice your son
Abraham: wtf
God: sacrifice yours & I’ll sacrifice mine
Jesus: sorry what
[looking at flocks of squawking crows]
We have to stop these senseless murders
Lmao i opened a checking account in college and years later they needed to verify me and asked me a bunch of security questions that I got completely wrong. Turns out when I opened it I made every answer “shark week” so it would be easy to remember
I photoshopped myself into a photo booth strip a coworker had on her desk and replaced it. And now we wait…
For most, bikini season lasts a few short summer months, but I catch enough & store them so efficiently I can eat bikini all year round.
Jeans: jeans
Jorts: jean shorts
Jancakes: (you guessed it) jean pancakes
Unknown number calls and expects me to talk first, welcome to breathing competition.
Email: You are invited to a virtual—
Me: Nope.
I’m not saying I’m jealous of the pigeons but I certainly wouldn’t mind someone throwing food at me from this park bench.
I want the immune system of this barefoot man in 7-Eleven
My grandfather came to this country with nothing but the shirt on his back. When he got here, the cops made him put on pants, too.
There’s a bounce house at the bail bondsman’s office. There’s curiosity in my mind.
Whenever I sing, my mom goes outside. Not to get away from me, but to prove to my neighbors that she’s not beating me.
me texting friend: ooh what happened?!
friend: *sends elaborate voice note *
me to myself: guess I’ll never know
Older women aren’t afraid to ask for exactly what they want.
Doughnuts. I want doughnuts.
Nighttime is not for sleeping. It is for eating all the chocolate chips out of trail mix while thinking of every possible outcome for a situation you can’t control.
me: *competes in gymnastics*
official: *blows whistle* stop saying “wee”
While the Americans are in a food coma, we should switch Twitter and Facebook displays around. Give their hearts a jumpstart.
Me: I made you a CD.
Coworker: This says songs you hate for the people you hate.
Met a cute guy at the gym we like all the same movies and he loved my shoes. We have a movie date tonight and he’s bringing his boyfriend.
My friend reckons he’s going to make a fortune flying people about in his invisible aeroplane. I can’t see it taking off.
A water balloon fight but the balloons are filled with meaty chili
College: You’re a very bright kid and we’d like to offer you a scholarship.
Ian: I’d prefer a scholarcar.
College: We’d like to withdraw our offer.
No parenting books prepared me for the exhaustion of constantly being excited about the mundane stuff that blows my 4 year old’s mind. Wow, a red pen! Wow, our cat! Wow, a slice of cheese with holes in it!
Had a customer in tonight moaning that the tyre pressure machine was free but now we charge 50p.
I shrugged and said “that’s inflation” and he didn’t even laugh why do I even bother?