I have a bumper sticker that says “Honk if you think I’m sexy!” Then I just sit at green lights until I feel better about myself!
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I love making pasta when I have a ton of dirty dishes in the sink. just dump that hot water in there when you’re done, and bam! you’ve got dinner and a set of totally clean dishes!
*wife icing waiter’s jaw while I talk to the police*
“I thought he said boner petite”
I avoid cheating on my spouse by not getting married.
Nowadays you can post your opinions instantly. Used to be, if you got riled up by a troubadour’s ballad you had to weave a whole tapestry about it
“Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?”
No sun.
Professor X: what’s your superpower?
Me: forgetting everyone‘s name immediately after we met
Professor whatshisname: get out
I’m not saying I don’t love it when my 5yo asks for a hug, I just wish she didn’t always wait until she’s mid-poop to ask.
You didn’t say I couldn’t fill the jacuzzi with mac and cheese
My wife gets upset because I like to talk during sex. Last night she hung up the phone on me.
*lying in bed*
*drops chip down cleavage*
*thinks, I’m so tired, leave it
*also, mmmmm, breakfast*
Me: No more treats, pal. You’ve already had three.
Dog: Dude, you think I have any idea what “three” means? I’m not even sure how many legs I have.
I’m like a cheetah, but slow.
Vicodin: For when you absolutely have to apple scissors badger trampoline Connie seven accept substitute no steak fries
Me: Can you describe the suspect?
Him: He was heavily armed
Me *writing octopus* this is bad
I once watched two guys arguing in sign language.
Either that, or they were both really bad at martial arts.
The kids (oldest is 6) want to watch a film “with bunnies in it”. Watership Down or Donnie Darko?
“If you build a lasagna, I will come.”
– Garfield of Dreams
[murder trial]
LAWYER: So you unplugged your wife’s life support for five minutes?
COMPUTER TECH: Sometimes that works.
While those 2 guys at the bar were just fantasizing about what they’d do with powerball winnings, I stole their ticket.
Convicted of murdering the English language, he was sentenced to death by elocution.
Congrats on your beautiful newborn, one day you will look under her bed and know why you have ants.
if you have ‘on that grind’, or ‘never stop grinding’ in your bio I am assuming that you are a sausage maker and i will have a dozen mild italian.
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me: *turns on garbage disposal*
Her: *starts talking to me*
me: I’ve been thinking about you all day.
cookie:
[Budapest airport]
IMMIGRATION: So what is your purpose for visiting Hungary?
ME: [holding huge bag of marbles] I wanna see the hippoes.
Does a hot bath tighten the virginia?
My mom always put safety first. She used to warn me about running with scissors as we rode in her convertible with no seatbelts going 80 mph on the highway after she had a few beers.
WHAT IF LIBRARIES HAD POSTED MEMES IN THE EIGHTIES: a thread
13: I found a baggie of pot.
M: *takes it* Thank you, bringing it to an adult was the right thing to do. Now go outside and play for 3 hrs.