“Liquor in the front, poker in the back” is not an acceptable tee shirt slogan for my church’s charity poker team…
I know that now.
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*Dressing up like a School Lice Outbreak Notice for Halloween*
“Al-Qaeda: ‘ISIS Goes Too Far’.” Ah the Middle East, where al-Qaeda is the voice of moderation.
Hey, let’s eat outside tonight so the flies can eat our food while the mosquitos eat us, & the kids eat nothing because they hate burgers today.
Me: I want a labrador but pet shops are so expensive
Her: Have you tried dog pounds?
Me: Yeah, but apparently it’s ‘not a real currency’
GUY: how’s it going?
ME [scraping the ‘us’ off my Prius]: well it’s not going great, Ron
I was going through an old keepsakes box of mine and found a 4 colored pen. I asked my 6 year old if she’d like to have the cool pen I used when I was a kid. Her eyes lit up, then I gave it to her and she frowned. “Oh, I thought it was going to be one of those feathers,” she said
if I was ever in prison I’d quickly assert dominance by giving everyone a fabulous makeover
Heard someone on TV talking about a “decades old” song and my mind immediately went to the 1970s.
2001. The song they were talking about was from 2001.
Q. Where did Capt. Hook buy his prosthesis?
A. At a secondhand store.
No kid, you don’t have it hard. When I was a kid we had to eat without camera phones.
Being an adult
Pros)You can eat anything you want
Cons)You can’t eat anything you want
If anyone else mentions how tiny I am today I will bite their ankles
Give me a break, ouija board. I don’t need to know who was killed in this house. Just tell me how the murderer got away with it.
im awake if anyone wants to go on a cute forest hike and feed me to a bear
My coworker Tim fell down the stairs and nobody laughed when I yelled “TIMBERRRRRR”
I’d have an extra 16 hours of free time every single day if I lost my phone!
If science is so great how come they haven’t invented a way to compliment someone’s smell without sounding like a serial killer
I refuse to acknowledge the new year until the old one cleans up the mess it made.
me: i can’t believe how much i paid for these 800 thread count sheets
insomnia: me either
Ugh, accidentally shared my private google sheet of perceived slights I’ve endured at potlucks, how’s your Monday going
17 year-old Malia Obama playing beer pong is the most outrageous thing the child of a president has done since George W. Bush invaded Iraq
FYI – when your pilot says “we’ll be on the ground shortly” fellow travelers don’t appreciate it when you loudly add “one way or another.”
what strings did peacocks pull to be allowed to just vibe around the zoo?
*5.30 a.m.*
6: Mom, I’ve decided to make breakfast for everyone.
Me *groggily*: Oh, that’s sweet.
6: How many people live in our neighborhood?
Me: GO BACK TO BED!
Dateline has taught me that the day I light up a room, my days are numbered.
[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Wife: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?
Me: Forgive me father for I have sinned
Dad: [sighing as he reviews my math homework] it’s sined and you should’ve used tangent
If you don’t think kids will use any excuse to fight, mine are currently arguing over whose fever is higher