God: this pie is outstanding. where’d you get the apples?
Eve: ok promise you won’t get mad
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My niece asked me “Why is his body so little?” Now I can’t unsee it.
Doctor: have you been getting enough fiber?
Me: this summer I accidentally ate a fly
Today it’s going to be really important that you listen well because we have to take a plane, train, and subway—
7yo: did you know if you spin in a circle really fast like this you fall down?
Alcohol may not be able to give you a loving hug when you need it but the Liquor Mart employee’s you’re buying it off of sure can.
And ladies, keying cars is very 2010 lol all you need to do is ask to drive his car and you take it and speed pass every speed camera in your city. And just return his car back to him like nothing happened.
GUY: *cuts me off in traffic
ME: *eating cereal* YOU SIR, SHOULD NOT BE ALLOWED DRIVE A CAR!!
*angrily waves spoon
I do the crane stance like in the Karate Kid movie each time I have to flush the toilet in a public restroom.
Imagine how tall this baby will be when it’s fully grown.
Me: [selling like-new truck on Facebook Marketplace for $27k]
Buyer message: $50
At the store- I better pick up a can of black beans. I’m not sure if there’s any at home.
Putting groceries away- Shit, I already had 8 cans of black beans.
🎵 so no one told you life was gonna be this waaaaaay… 🎵
Guy pitching Stuart Little: So this family adopts a kid and the whole story is about the new kid learning what it is to have a family and be loved
Producer: That sounds beautiful
Guy: The new kid is also a rat
*Spends 30 min practicing Starbucks order in mirror*
*Feels confident*
*”Hi I’d like a grander ahoy Ralph Macchioatto lateenbay”*
*dammit*
Even the worst hangover wears off by 5:00. Coincidence? I think not.
At drop off, 5’s teacher said “good morning sweetheart” and 5 replied “mummy made fish for dinner last night and it was disgusting” then she skipped inside to tell Freya all about it
For the love of God, if you leave me a voicemail, don’t just say “Call me back.” Tell me what it’s in regards to so I can prepare my defense
“How’d ya get that bruise on your cheek?”
*remembers dropping her phone on her face in bed*
Me: Street Fight
I prefer to think that my proclivity to road rage has enriched my kids vocabularies rather than warped their tiny little minds.
“Are you sure you want to close 58 tabs?” no I’m not sure what if I need this tracking information for a package that was delivered last week
Water Polo is one shark away from being the most entertaining sport around
ME: so this is what it sounds like when doves cry
SUBWAY GUY: all I said was we were out of meatballs
My 6 year old has already asked me 4,327 questions this morning. I’m seriously considering getting another Vasectomy just to be safe.
Until public restrooms have automatic doors, the automatic sinks, soap and paper towel dispenser will make no sense to me.
your honor my client would like to plead oopsie daisies
If you’re using YOLO to justify doing something stupid, remember you only DIE once too.
Inspirational tweet.
Living well is the best revenge. The second best revenge is carefully removing plants from someone’s garden & replacing their lawn gnomes with slightly larger lawn gnomes so they appear to be growing in size from eating the plants.
Me: I hate how someone keeps putting advertising flyers on my windshield and forcing me to throw them away.
Friend: Flyers for what?
Me: Some club called VIOLATION.
*Takes drive down memory lane
*Gets a DUI
Ya I am too Dave it’s nothing to be proud of
Somebody keeps sending me flowers with all the heads cut off.
I think I’m being stalked…