“His arms are spaghetti, his feet are spaghetti, on stage he’s spaghetti, his Mom’s spaghetti.” – Eminem first draft
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I want that job where I push scared skydivers out of planes.
her: i hate when people overanalyze everything in movies
me: [slowly concealing my notebook filled with inconsistencies and plot holes in the toy story saga] lol yeah me too
I got so excited about my new pill box that now Alexa won’t stop suggesting assisted living facilities.
Actually cracking up @ this
I know this now 😂
Don’t forget to celebrate Columbus Day by moving in to someone else’s house and telling everyone it’s yours, then closing the post office.
My old boss was married and had six girlfriends who all worked for him. I didn’t know relationships could work like days of the week underwear
Never go to sleep after making me angry
{After Eclipse}
Kid: Now can I stare at the sun?
My band is so indie we don’t even record together. You have to buy 4 separate cds and play them at the same time.
Me: And thus concludes homeschool. I’ve literally imparted all of my knowledge to you.
Kid: It’s been an hour.
Me: You’re free to go.
Kid: Like, go play?
Me: Like, move out
Kid: I’m 7.
Me: And what a head start on life you’ll have.
The only reason I’d want to go to heaven is to speak to the manager.
Stopped visiting friends because they have a child gate on the way to the upstairs bathroom I can’t figure out.
My 6yr old had a wipe out and upon assessing a minor scrape said “this is going to make it hard for me to walk since I’m right kneed.”
[seeing random coworker at the supermarket] oh hey what’s up! i didn’t know you liked groceries
How do I form meaningful friendships as an adult without enrolling in grad school or joining a cult?
Commercial: You don’t want to come home from your vacation with Hep A or Hep B
Me: Hell ya I do
I’m amazed by people who lose weight w exercise. When I exercise nothing happens bc my DNA still thinks I’m a European peasant. So it’s like “Oh! Are we running from the English again, lass? Dinnae ye worry: we’ll keep ye plump as a partridge to outlast the murderous bastards!”
the one awesome thing about being a dad in this economy is that after I die, I’ll only have to work for a couple more years then I can retire
My uncle married a woman from Tokyo and they just had a daughter.
She’s my Japaniece..
Me: omg JLo is 50 and looks amazing, it’s not fair.
Also me: 17 buffalo wings are a good source of protein.
Wife: [1st time watching Harry Potter] wait…if Harry was a baby, both Harry’s parents died & Voldemort disappeared; how does anyone know what happened at the house that night?
Me: [watching for the 751st time]
…well shit
Missionary so I can look him in the eyes and ask him why Ashley from work is texting him with heart eyes.
*learns all Froot Loops are the same flavor regardless of color*
*sighs*
*sadly deletes 583 page PhD thesis*
5: I love you so much
Me: I love you too, are you done acting naughty?
5: nope
“Fine mom! If you’re not going to let me have cookies, I’m gonna go in my room!!”
{inaudible whisper}
no. please don’t go.
Slim pickings in the Valentines card aisle this morning. Wish me luck as I transform “Uncle” to look like “Wife.”
“Let’s call it a day.”
I don’t know what else you’d call it.
Calling it a turtle would just sound stupid.
“Lets call it a turtle.”
See?
The last two weeks have been a strange ten years.