Motion-activated paper towel dispensers should define what motion activates them. I’ve yet to get one until I’ve done the entire hokie-pokie
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“Regardless of what Newton said, gravity is just a theory that you humans choose to accept as fact. If you simply refuse to take it as a given, then the whole paradigm shifts. Anyway Brenda, when you’ve got a minute, the litter in my box could really use a change.”
“They’re like a sponge at this age” I say to the parents of the baby I’m using to scrub dishes with.
Shaking hands is just nature’s way of spreading germs and killing off the friendly people.
I remember when asking someone if they were on X meant something completely different.
So funny how “go to sleep” and “do parkour” sound exactly the same to kids.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: would you like me to throw that away for you?
RACCOON: *clutching banana peel* this is my carry on thank you very much
“A little help here, Danny?”
I’m only attractive if you’re drunk.
*buys everyone a drink*
You can’t fix everything, you’re not a giant asteroid.
KFC suspends iconic ‘finger lickin’ good’ slogan amid coronavirus fears
She said we needed to talk and…
I said, “Yeah, I think we should break up, too.”
She said, “About where to eat.”
“Oh,” I said, “Pizza?”
[cashier training, day 1]
“Be sure to comment on everything a customer buys. They love that.”
[blind date]
HER: i love classic rock
ME: (trying to impress) i’ve been to Stonehenge
“so she’s gay now?”
yeah she turned in all the paperwork last week and her acceptance letter came this morning, it was all pretty sudden
You ask me for the time and notice my watch is actually a live shrimp hugging my wrist, he whispers “12:30” but he’s guesstimating as shrimps usually do
My family doesn’t get together a lot during the holidays.
We see each other enough throughout the year at all the interventions.
You can’t go by good looks as not everything is as it seems. Remember The Trojan Horse, Snow White’s apple and your ex.
[leaving store without bag]
Cashier: Forgetting something?
“Oh wow, how embarrassing”
*walks back to give her a hug and kiss on the lips*
My background check bounced.
The best part of a Dolly Parton presidency would be the Dolly Pardons.
No handshakes?! Then how am I supposed to know when the mating ritual is over?
a fun thing about Nova Scotia is that our most popular tourist attraction is a place with 4 million signs reading “you’re probably gonna die if you stand on these rocks” and almost every year someone stands on the rocks and dies anyway
I get it, you have a philosophy degree, but I just want you to make my latte, not wax poetic about life, okay Baristotle? Extra foam please.
Welcome to Twitter: yeah none of us can sleep either.
“The last thing I want to do is hurt you. First I want to date you & get to know you.”
Don’t flatter yourself, any type of milkshake brings me to the yard.
[Interview]
Why do you want this job?
Me: *opens briefcase* I don’t.
*pulls out Snickers*
I just wanted to eat this without my kids around
Gonna tell my kids Santa doesn’t come to dirty houses so they have to clean all day tomorrow.
Priest: what do you think is the biggest thing keeping you from heaven right now?
Me: death, probably
I survived catholic school taught by actual nuns and now nothing scares me. Except ghosts…of nuns