Hi everyone, welcome to Motorboat Club. Let’s get started on some sailing basics.
*Man in back row throws brochure on ground and storms out*
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Science in 140. Carbon. A nonmetallic, tetravalent element which forms the basis of all known life, the result of unprotected carbon dating.
Horrifying if literal: my girlfriend is a gym rat.
an hour on the treadmill is not so bad if you don’t turn it on.
shoutout to the girl on reddit who posted saying “my partner didn’t inform me he’s having unprotected sex with someone else” and then elaborated that the “someone else” is the guys wife, who he is married to
2000 years ago:
god: i shall sacrifice my only son so that all may have eternal lifeToday:
god, watching us eat tide pods: jesus christ
“I’ve never had a reason to see a therapist”
– People who haven’t met me yet
The dismemberments will continue until morale improves now back to work
Please stop inventing new slang words so quickly. I’m having trouble not becoming my grandmother.
100% of all babіes are unemployed. Pathetіc.
New Joker looks like he has the Memento disease and needs a bunch of tattoos to remind him he’s the Joker.
There are plenty of fish in the sea.
There are also sharks, giant isopods, oil spills, Flight 370, and Somali pirates.
*hires sky writer*
I K N O W Y O U A T E
T H E L A S T F R U I T R O L L U P.
I W A N T A D I V O R C E
K A R E N.
My 4yo just started playing rock, paper, scissors with himself. The good news is he won.
GENIE: You have three wishes.
ME: I wish I had a million dollars.
GENIE: Granted. You had a million dollars.
aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and my bow
gimli: and my axe
me: and my ninja stars
aragorn: who keeps inviting this guy
Me: *steps up to the plate, spits, adjusts cup, taps helmet*
Waiter: is there a problem
my daughter was wearing a flannel hoodie so I said “hey, the 90’s called” and she replied “yeah cause they couldn’t text” and godDAMMIT I’m getting really tired of my kids owning me
[first day as flight attendant]
me: DOES ANYBODY KNOW HOW TO FLY A PLANE
passengers: *screaming*
pilot: yes I do
me: ohthankgod
Call me crazy, but the last person who did is still in a full body cast, so it’s up to you.
I hate crumbs, so I eat my snacks in bed on his side.
[aliens observing earth]
“Horse racing is the shit we gotta start doing that”
If you guys were impressed by the “but wait, it’s actually cake” thing, wait until I tell you about the guy I dated who turned out to be a Thanksgiving turkey
You can’t scare me, I grew up on ‘80s horror movies and still took a job as a camp counselor on a lake.
She just offered me a “1/4 caffeinated coffee.”
I told her I’d have eight, please.
The doctor said to me, “Do you know you have a serious problem vocalizing your emotions?”
I said, “I can’t say I’m surprised.”
age 20: I was in a car accident, my ride is totaled. I won’t be into work until after lunch
age 40: I did something to my back brushing my teeth, I need to lie down for 3 weeks
Dogs are the most loyal, protective creatures on the planet unless someone near you has food and then lol you’re on your own.
Based on my experience with trying to find the restroom at Kohl’s, I would die first in the Hunger Games.
I’m not much on seizing the day, I just kinda poke it with a stick.
Get your faces tattooed on each other, so if the wife ever says ‘you’re a joke’ you can say ‘the joke’s on you’ and disarm the situation.