universe: you deserve a break
me: wow thanks
universe: *winks*
me: *tumbles down the stairs*
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BREAKING: Scientists send teen girl back in time to report on WWII. “Hitler’s haircut is literally the worst,” she writes. “Also he’s mean.”
Axl Rose: You know where you are? You’re in the jungle, baby
Tarzan: yeah but why are you here.
convinced my 44 year old therapist to confront her husband about not liking her instagram posts and left the session feeling so empowered by the realization that while she can’t make me better, i can make us both worse.
Saw @justinbieber on a piece of toast. Am I going to hell?
if my sleeping schedule was a person
Welcome to your 40’s where the small print appears to have gotten a lot smaller!
[pearly gates]
ME: whoa
JESUS: sup bro! Welcome
M: have you… always had a-
J: falcon head? Lol yep come on in let’s weigh that heart
[praying mantis first date]
Female: You seem to have a good head on your shoulders.
Male: Yeah well, you know, saving it for marriage.
I miss dating
The excitement of meeting someone new, that feeling of butterflies when you see if you can climb out their bathroom window…
It’s so cute how all the free sandwiches in the fridge at work have little names.
David Attenborough: Many animals have been known to seemingly freeze when encountering bright lights at night.
Me: *opening refrigerator* Good thing that doesn’t happen to huma-
My hips don’t lie. The bastards run around telling everybody how much I like donuts.
It’s really important to have things in common with your spouse, for instance my wife and I both despise my very existance.
McConaughey: I’ll have a venti with cream please
Starbucks barista: ok, how do you spell your last name?
McConaughey: I don’t know
If you get pulled over, you should be able to read the police officer the tweet you were writing, and if it’s a banger he’s gotta let you off.
Don’t tell your friend you like her sweater unless you mean it; she might knit you one.
I’m learning how to do weight training by lifting dogs. I picked up a few pointers yesterday
TV shows when an actress is pregnant IRL but not in the show:
The best thing about snow is that now my lawn looks as good as the neighbor’s.
Abs are for people who can’t afford good food.
I’m chaperoning a graduation party tonight. I have lots of fun activities planned.
I hope they like monopoly.
Only 350 more followers until I casually mention the benefits of Amway.
If you’re using public transport never give up your seat to an old lady…
That’s how I lost my job as a bus driver.
Keanu Reeves, sure, but then Keanu comes back a rittle bit rater.
They say a long, tight hug releases endorphins to make you feel calm and happy.
I think the guy in front of me at this DMV would disagree.
the rocks need my help
Irony walks into a bar the same time as a Coincidence. The bartender asks what they want? “Not to be confused with each other.”
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
Everyone knows you don’t need a wood chipper, if you have pigs.
DATE: I want someone that brings me fancy gifts
ME, A CROW: [revealing a shiny bottle cap I found] m’lady