Parents who say they love their children unconditionally have obviously never had a kid choose tuba as their band instrument.
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If a peanut butter cookie between two chocolate chip cookies is considered a sandwich, then I may have had a sandwich or two for lunch.
me sitting in the theater waiting for the batman to start
When I retire I’m going to run from office.
if I accidentally respond “you too” after a fast-food clerk tells me to enjoy my meal, I shove some fries in their mouth so it isn’t awkward
So last night I had a dream that the guy I’m crushing on was in my house. We napped in separate recliners. Seriously. That was the whole dream. We napped, fully clothed, in separate recliners.
The weirdest part? I walked him out when we were done.
Napping. In separate recliners
Spam popsicles.
*follow for more recipes
ME: Waiter!
WAITER: What’s wrong?
ME: I ordered the alphabet soup.
WAITER: What’s the problem?
ME: How many letters are there?
WAITER: Twenty six, sir.
ME: Well, this soup only has bees.
she turns her curious eyes to the stars and asks them “it’s daytime. how can i see you right now?” the wise and beautiful stars respond “u are high as shit, my friend”
Whenever someone mentions rat poison part of me imagines a tiny rodent cover band playing 80s power ballads.
I took up MMA to see what I’m made of.
It’s blood…I’m made of blood.
Safari is a fancy word for voluntarily putting yourself at the bottom of the food chain
Sheep
[Antiques Roadshow]
This mirror frame is a classic Victorian style, but the ghosts in the reflection are wearing Edwardian clothes so the glass was likely replaced
no one still wants to fight me after I gently remove my earrings and swallow them
The Olive Garden waiter went for a pack of smokes and never came back, so I really was family
Girlfriend: hey babe you wanna get breakfast and go for a run?
(Cut to me with a mouth full of Doritos)
Me: I have shin splints
I’m a girl that your mother could love. From a distance. Maybe you just show her a picture, and make a lot of shit up.
bigfoot [eating a clown]: hey these might actually be my size
*pretty girl walks by and doesn’t make eye contact*
She must be intimidated that I manage a fantasy football team that is 8-1
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i never listen to u
HER: yes
ME: k see u tonight
If you don’t fall in love with me, I’ll write poetry about you and then you’ll regret it.
My dress code is business-casualty.
APOLOGISE NOW!!!
doctor: open up
me: it all started when my dad left
doctor: and say ahh
me: oh
doctor: no, “ahh”
When a zoo animal dies they always call it “beloved” or a “crowd favorite” like there’s some animal named “Jimmy the zebra everyone hates”
I’m scared of buying an iPhone X cos there’s a chance mine might get swapped with Brad Pitt’s and since we look 100% alike he can unlock it
There was a sign at work that said, “NO MICROWAVING FISH” which is crazy because I can’t think of anything cuter than a teeny tiny fish waving
When someone patiently listens to you for an hour without judgment…
$85
When your best friend listens to you for 10 minutes and tells you you’re being an idiot…
Priceless.
Installed a new high-tech toilet. It’s now holding my bathroom hostage and demanding a Wi-Fi password.
Don’t cry because it’s over, scowl because you had to participate.