SON: I lost a tooth. I’m gonna leave it under my pillow.
ME: *paying bills online* I’d wait
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Yes hello 911, I put a smaller microwave inside a bigger microwave and now there’s a wormhole in my kitchen
Civil War reenactments are a lot like meetings. You do the same thing over and over again while waiting for your turn to die.
Me: Can I use it for my socials?
Mugshot Photographer: No.
Interviewer: Give an example of a difficult scenario &how you handled it.
Me: I poured a bowl of cereal, but had no milk. I used ice cream.
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
“I can’t find this book on the shelf.”
“I’m sorry, it looks like we don’t have that book in the library system.”
“But you had this book five years ago!”
“Sir, I had so many things five years ago.”
This Walmart is advertising $9.99 iPads to anyone who throws their baby into a snakepit.
nobody needs to go to school for code. if your code doesnt work just keep putting } at the end until it works
I once made a mistake with plurals.
It was an amazing feet.
Buzzfeed will be the death of journalism intellect.
You don’t know fear until you cough out a tampon nowhere near a bathroom.
I abuse music so badly. I’m always like: make me feel good, watch me dance, listen to me sing, improve my mood. She must be sick of my shit.
Judging by the way my kids raced to see who could chug their chocolate milk the fastest at the dinner table, I’d have to say they are never, ever going to be allowed at a keg party.
Jiminy Cricket: [singing] Always let your conscience be your g–
Me: *sprays insect repellent*
I miss the crypto guys with the laser eyes telling us to “have fun staying poor” — where did they all go?
Buying my parents’ house.
Soon, like so many of the ‘ladies’ here…
I too will be a middle aged man tweeting from his mom’s basement.
How to cure a headache
1. Drink a glass of water.
2. Take 10 deep breathes.
3. Give headache your credit card & tell her to go to the mall.
5: what’s for dinner
Me: chicken
5: cow chicken or human chicken?
My mom sent me a text message so long I had to refill my adderall prescription to read it
Jesus: *holding bread*
This is my body.
*holding wine*
This is my blood.
*holding a meeting* This could have been an email.
someone tried formatting these windows in a Word doc
Who the hell buys furniture online? Why would you buy a chair or couch you can’t even sit in? What if it has burlap cushions stuffed w/hay?
HER: OMG Thats not going to fit
HIM: Just relax. I’ll go slow
HER: If you’re sure…
HIM: [severely damages surrounding cars while parking]
I just typed “cupkale” instead of “cupcake” and accidentally invented what has to be the worst dessert idea ever.
Maybe a funeral isn’t the best place to practice my evil laugh
I feel like anyone who comments on anything is insane.
Once I spilled an ENTIRE cup of coffee in a cab and the driver started freaking out, but miraculously, it all landed in a cup holder, and I soaked it up with a sock. When we arrived, the cab driver got out to see zero spilled coffee in his cab and looked at me like a magician.
Iron Man: I’ll hack into their security.
Hulk: HULK SMASH DOOR!
Thor: I’ll silence their guards.
Captain America: What’s a microwave?
Doctor: “Are you ready for your shot today?”
Me: [Puts on a bulletproof vest.] “I’m ready.”
Life hack: McDonald’s will deliver if you tell them that you are holding Ronald hostage for a ransom of [your desired food order]