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My 4yo thinks the ice cream truck is “just a music truck.”
NO ONE TELL HER
Nothing more awkward than not calling a girl back after a one night stand and then running into her at your family reunion.
FYI – when your pilot says “we’ll be on the ground shortly” fellow travelers don’t appreciate it when you loudly add “one way or another.”
I’m having one of those days where nothing seems to be going write.
I always bring luggage when visiting my mom because I know she’ll send me on a guilt trip
The secret to success is to surround yourself with people that don’t know you.
Bartenders are just boneless bars
The person who is your first and last thought of the day is either the one who has your heart, or who’s murder you’re secretly plotting.
Doctor: Step on the scale.
Me, 1st pregnancy: With or without my shoes?
Me, 2nd pregnancy: With or without the jacket?
Me, 3rd pregnancy: With or without the rotisserie chicken?
Sugar Daddy is just slang for high-fructose cornfather.
When I texted my dad I wanted to be a barrister he was so proud.
Years later I achieved my dream, and as I make him an Mini Java Chip Frappuccino it turns out I can’t spell and he isn’t proud.
very demi lovato saying their favorite dish is a mug because it can hold hot liquids
I lose bobby pins in my hair. Please don’t ask me to babysit your kids.
Her: I like a man who’s loud in bed
Me: *turns on my cpap machine*
Her: Not like that
If there’s a line between right and wrong, I likely snorted it.
Her: The problem with men is they only ever want one thing!
Me *nodding wistfully* a sequel to Ratatouille
[first day as a jedi knight]
*accidentally runs light saber thru the washer and dryer*
I’m creating an “OnlyDans,” where Dans get together to complain about being called “Dan the man, Daniel-san” and “Danny Boy” our whole lives.
Dragged myself to the fridge because I promised myself I’d be productive tonight and god knows the ice cream isn’t gonna eat itself
I’m just a mom on winter break, standing in front of my kids’ school asking, “HOW BIG OF A CHECK DO I NEED TO WRITE FOR YOU TO RE-OPEN?”
We have guests, go get the fancy cups.
*opens drawer* huh, I don’t remember this shirt being pink. OMG…did he…did he do laundry? *slowly opens 2nd drawer*
-Law & Order sound
Stop me if you’ve heard this one
Daddy I’m full
Ok, but the kitchen is closed for the night
(after cleaning up dinner)
Daddy I’m hungry
Million dollar idea: A Walmart, but with more than one register open
[running into my ex]
Ex: omg it’s you
Me: yeah
Ex: we should exchange numbers
Me: I don’t think that’s a good idea
Ex: you backed into my car though
Me: look we’ve both moved on
Squirrels run around like they’re being chased. Nobody cares about you. You live in tree. Get a job
Cheers to all who skipped that one dish at Thanksgiving because you just didn’t trust the person who brought it.
8y/o: Do prisons have libraries?
Me: Yeah, usually.
8y/o: Yay! So I can still read when I’m in prison.
“Son, hey son”
Yeah dad?
“Know why we named you Adopted?”
*Sighs* Because I’m adop-
“BECAUSE YOU’RE ADOPTED”
Good one dad
“I’m not your dad”
Remember when your mom would just drop you off at the mall and have no way to get in touch with you? I don’t even trust my kids to go upstairs alone.