[gets found guilty of murder]
[sentenced to 3 years of listening to Pitbull on repeat]
[appeals]
[gets sentence reduced to lethal injection]
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What’s that thing called when your crush likes you back? oh yeah imagination
I was so tired that I failed a stupid captcha test 3 times in a row yesterday & if that’s not human, I don’t know what is.
ME: It’s quite interesting really. You see, “gym” comes from the greek “gymnós” meaning “naked”
YMCA ATTENDANT: Yeah, you’re going to need to put on some pants
[1st day at Subway]
Boss: u said u’d done this before
Me: [painting myself in marinara sauce] I’m really more of an abstract sandwich artist
My secret talent is pushing all your buttons and helping you discover new buttons you didn’t know you had.
me: I’d like to withdraw 100K
banker: from which account
me: like whoever has the most
If you watch The Titanic backwards.. It’s about a magical boat that saves people.
[throwing coin into fountain] I wish I was better with money
Nothing displeases me more than when a friend gets into a serious plane crash after I’ve specifically told them to have a safe flight.
I don’t understand people with bare desks. My desk looks like a barfight started next door, crashed through my office, and kept on moving.
My life has been so screwed up when there was supposed to be a fork in the road I found a spoon.
Back to Future II is so unrealistic not a single person takes a selfie or gets bullied on the internet
Satan: welcome to hell, know why you’re here?
Me: I regularly quoted mov-
Satan: YOU REGULARLY QUOTED MOVIES YOU HADN’T SEEN, SOOO OBNOXIOUS
[Gets shot by mugger]
Girl walks by: omg are u ok?
I’m dying [sees she isn’t wearing a ring] I mean I’m fine but not as fine as you, sup?
HEADS UP: if I can’t get around you on the sidewalk, I join your family
“Don’t you understand the basics of cuddling? You don’t struggle and I don’t hurt you.”
Second orthodontist consult.
10: I hope I can still eat fried chicken at Popeye’s and drink Dr Pepper and chew taffy.
Ortho:
Me, under my breath: You’ve never even been to Popeye’s. You don’t drink soda!…
10, whispering: Best to take this up with Dad.
When they say “we are in an oversell situation and we’re offering $200 for passengers with flexible travel plans” I am absolutely the person who stands up and says “legally they have to give you 400% your ticket price. Don’t take less than $1300!! Everyone HOLD”.
The people who choose the “healthier option” at McDonald’s get a bad wrap.
Wife: Where have you been?
Me: [thinking about the studio apartment I disappear to when things are crazy at home] On a tri-state killing spree.
I made eye contact with my neighbor while taking out the trash and instead of doing something normal, I did a curtsey
every cop drama will have a notice that says “any resemblance to actual events or individuals is purely coincidental” and then the serial killer will be named something like ned lundy
I’ll get a 5-mile queue at my coffin but it will be all collection agencies making sure I’m really dead.
They say people with pets live longer. Many assume it’s all the love and affection. I think it’s all the bending down to pick stuff up.
Take my advice, I’m not using it.
Our tree caught on fire we threw it outside and the dog dragged it back into the House
going to rock bottom do you guys need anything
My wife’s favorite position is the one where I lie very still wearing nothing but a toe tag and she starts dating again.
[praying mantis first date]
Female: You seem to have a good head on your shoulders.
Male: Yeah well, you know, saving it for marriage.
God creating the duck: waterproof that chicken and give it a kazoo