First rule of flight club…no penguins.
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….and you will know me by the trail of roaches l leave behind.
hate seeing someone driving a cement mixer and theyre mixing the cement as they drive. mix it at home and just drive
I like it when squirrels pop their dumb heads up in the middle of the street like “did I lock the tree?”
doctors before an x-ray be like “dont worry this is perfectly safe” and then the dude goes to egypt to press a button
“The other day” -me talking about something that happened 27 years ago
The first rule of hydration club is where is your restroom?
If I committed a crime I would simply not leave behind slides with my hair and clothing fibers
me: why are you leaving me Barbar?
Barbara: because after 11 years you can’t get my name right
me: but I love you Brabra
80% of parenting is trying not to laugh when you’re supposed to be mad
[during dinner on a date]
“I’m currently in university”
how long is your degree?
“normally a year, but I have dial up, so probably 2”
[leading strangers around an art museum] And here we have da Vinci’s Vitruvian man, a beautiful AND scientific representation of how humans were designed to fold “hot dog wise” and not “hamburger wise.” [i quickly usher people along as I see security shuffling towards me]
Saying “unwanted houseguests” is redundant. I just call them houseguests.
The water drought in California is so bad, that someone broke into my cousins house and stole his waterbed.
[God creating mosquitoes]
“I wonder how I could get everyone to spray chemicals on themselves and also slap their own faces.”
[the middle of showering] I need a break
Beer: When are you coming home.
Me: Right away honey.See. Marriage works. Just choose the right wife.
My husband asked if I had a new year’s resolution and I told him it was to not yell at the kids and then we both fell about laughing
‘Let’s just agree to disagree.’
-Me, saying grace at the dinner table.
him: I’m gonna kill you
me: oh no
him: with kindness
me: awww
him: kindness is my pet wolf
me: oh no again
I only say “I love you” to
1. Family
2. Lifelong Friends
3. Dogs that I met 3.5 seconds ago.
I just used Quandary in casual conversation, like some sort of philosophical genius, and everyone laughed and then I ran back to my computer to make sure I used it correctly and I did, so you may call me Professor.
Him: Has anyone ever told you that you look like Scarlett Johansson?
Her: No.
Him (detective looking for a Scarlett Johansson impersonator): You’re free to go.
Thinking of leaving a fake bloody arm inside the blood pressure machine at this CVS pharmacy.
80% of my day is spent saying “dishwasher” after I hear a kid throw dishes into the sink.
It was midnight. I was alone and online with a lot of available credit. I saw an ad for boots. The perfect storm began. I bought shoes, a bra, 11 pounds of tomato sauce, a life-size elephant inflatable, and two used cars.
Imagine falling in love with someone and then finding out they say “worthwild”
1 of the 7 newly discovered planets has already been declassified after discovering it was merely Pluto wearing high heels & sunglasses.
Well well well, if it isn’t the guy who sprayed air freshener into my restroom stall…
cold water immersion sounds cool but i’m doing this other thing called warm bed immersion