007: the name’s bond…james bond
me: nice to meet you bond james bond
007: just james bond
me: bond just james bond
007: no my full name is just james bond
me: nice to meet you just james bond
007: you know i can legally kill you
me: no, never met him
007: *draws weapon*
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[A giraffe walks into a scarf shop]
*The managers eyes turn into dollar signs*
Did you ever see someone yawn, and then yawn yourself? That psychological reaction is a phenomenon known as: “Katherine Heigl movies.”
I’m 30 years old and I’ve watched Frozen 18 times this week…
For those of you out there thinking about having unprotected sex tonight…
[1st date]
me: are you cold?
date: *shivering* a little
me: *putting second hoody on* that sucks
You don’t have to do it my way, you could do it wrong also.
“No no, remember I told you we don’t do that in our house..”
-Me, breaking up a cat fight.
Moms that name their daughters Stacy are the real narcissists.
To my friends: You smile, I smile, you hurt, I hurt, you cry, I cry, you jump off a bridge. I’m gonna miss your e-mails.
You know what else is crazy?
*googles synonyms for crazy*
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into an optometrist*
Horse: Holy shit please help me
Me: Looks like someone got toad again, LOL
Snake: *bites me*
*yells up to treehouse*
me: what are you girls doin?
them: *yells back* chattin and braidin!
me: *climbing up* WAIT ARE THOSE BOY’S NAMES, I DON’T KNOW ANYMORE
My toddler is going through his “MINE!” phase which also applies to me. My husband was giving me a hug and my toddler looked at us aghast, pointing and saying “No! NO! Mine!!” and it’s the first time in a while I’ve had two guys competing for my love
It only took me 9 days to break all my New Year’s resolutions. 3 more days than last year. That’s progress!
(At the dentist)
‘Your grinding isn’t good.’
Excuse me! I’ve never had a man complain before.
I used to workout to get laid. Now its to impress whoever will be performing my autopsy.
Whatcha eating over there? It sounds crunchy.
Hannibal Lecter: Doritoes
I was going to do some yoga today, but had a donut instead
On your first day at the beach, go up to the toughest-looking guy there, and let the air out of his water-wings.
1 Ring to rule them all, 1 Ring to find them, 1 Ring to bring them all & in the darkness bind them. 3 rings to let Mum know you’re home safe
It’s so embarrassing when someone gets to second base with me and finds crumbs in my bra.
The baby gets furious when I try to undress him.
He gets that from his mother.
If you steal my identity you better believe that it comes with 4 kids.
Overheard 2 dad’s at the playground wondering if my kid was as creepy as me.
Joke’s on them. I don’t have kids.
Kylo: I need an N to finish my favorite Vader quote.
Han: This is SpaghettiOs, not Alphabet Soup.
Kylo: Great. Now Vader says, “OOOOOOOO!”
I was worried my kids would never know the joy of a commercial break, and then we got Hulu
*I look into abyss*
*Abyss looks at me*
*Abyss blinking message in Morse code*
*I go off to learn Morse*
*I return*
“Why do we park in a dri
I was jumping on the trampoline with my son and now my neighbour won’t stop mowing his lawn next to the fence
Clown Uber driver:
Get in! We have room for one more.
Wise advice