Me, in my teens: This radio station is playing my jams.
Me, in my 20s: This bar is playing my jams.
Me, in my 30s: This grocery store is playing my jams.
You Might Also Like
People who can get up to pee in the middle of the night and fall right back to sleep, explain yourselves.
I’m not saying my son is competitive, but he was happy he had a higher fever than his brother
This toilet won’t flush!!
Cop: “Sir, will you please step out of the phone booth”
My anaconda don’t want none unless you use proper grammar and avoid using double negatives.
Hello Mr The Sun. I see you have once again lowered yourself to the exact height below my cars visor. Well played.
i gotta stop wearing clothes that have recently washed up on shore
A first date is probably the best time to show off your wicked hand puppet skills.
I hear my ex is now into cross dressing & looking for same. At least that’s what the Craigslist ad I just posted on his behalf says.
why are there sports bars but not cute bars where u can sip wine and cheer for competitive cooking shows?
I’m just a girl,
sitting in her car,
wondering what the person I texted
“I’m in the cat” to,
is thinking right now.
I accidentally said HAIL SANTA instead of HAIL SATAN at satanic church today and now everyone is laughing at me and they took away my robes.
My wife suggested taking Ecstasy to help with sex and so far she’s banged three neighbors and the UPS guy
A Free Range Chicken is easy to spot due to it’s backpack & rugged little hiking boots
“lmao why do you guys keep calling it ‘The Last Supper ‘? Seems pretty ominous, right?”
-Jesus
School is like ok lemme get you up to speed on all the wars you missed before you go to your job forever
Little Old Lady: i want to put my house on the market
Realtor: ok, where is it?
Little Old Lady: um, right here
Realtor: thats… *sighs* thats a shoe
Little Old Lady: it’s my home
Realtor: do you at least have the other shoe?
Little Old Lady: i cant even afford this one
Wife: did you know there’s an “I hate Jeff” group that meets in the park?
Me: yes I started it I am the president
“Bear with me for a minute.”
– Russian guy providing an airtight alibi for his criminal bear friend.
Dental office: fill out this giant package of paper & get in line.
Me: I’m paying cash.
Dental office: *unhooks red rope* right this way ma’am, would you like some champagne?
Just looked at a beautiful pink sunset and thought, “God I love London”, then remembered there is a sky everywhere and I’m paying half my salary to sleep 2 feet from my drying clothes
I live alone.
The dryer is my closet.
Me (severely dehydrated): This churro is overcooked, and I can barely taste the cinnamon
Lifeguard: sir, put down the pool noodle
Me: goodnight moon
Moon: It’s 6pm
Me: I know but I’m tired
Moon: I literally just got here
Everyone is gangster until they’re asked to reveal a “fun fact” about themself as part of a work event icebreaker.
We are all damned fools. He tried to warn us, but we didn’t have ears to hear.
Now all I can see is that horrific smile. That knowing gaze born of higher-knowledge which says, “It is too late.”
The Papa John’s Day of Reckoning has come.
#coronapocalypse
#QuarantineAndChill
I may be short but I sure as heck can dunk. Donut coffee dunks are my speciality.
The seance was ruined when everyone realized that the only spirit speaking through me was vodka.
My husband giving me instructions as he prepares to leave town: “Don’t put the dogs in their crates today. Let them sleep on the couch.”
Me: “Why?”
Him: “That’s how they know it’s the weekend.”