ME: I wish I was irresistible to women.
JINN: Done.
[I’m swarmed by hundreds of otters]
JINN: Hahaha, you didn’t say HUMAN wom—what are you doing? Stop enjoying this.
ME: *Rolling around, playing with my new otter friends* More otters, please.
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I don’t understand how planes work and I’m scared if I think about it too hard the plane will also realise it doesn’t make sense and drop out of the sky 🙁
4 can finally say the letter l. However, he has over corrected and started randomly replacing letters with ls. It’s lucking conlusing.
Me: Hey, wanna feel really old?
Friend: Yeah?
Grandma: Stop telling people to poke me you little shit!
I just want to be on record as saying that 2020 is probably not the right year for this
Guy knocking on bathroom door after sex:
I think I love you.Me stringing tampons together, making a rope to climb out the window:
Okay….
My kid: It’s not fair. You get to do whatever you want.
Me, who just finished scrubbing the dog’s vomit off the carpet and is now cooking dinner for the family:
“you attract what you fear” ahhhhh a healthy relationship ahhhhh
using AI to expand this shot in Fast & Furious 6 and achieve the filmmakers true vision 😌🙏
My kids got like 20 pounds of candy and that is so unhealthy so obviously I have to eat it all for their own good
Someone you know may commit a crime today. If carefully managed, you can add in some of your own stuff.
New neighbor: Hi. It’s nice to meet you.
Me: It’s nice to meet you too. This is my daughter, 9
Neighbor: What’s your Twitter @
Me: DAMMIT
I was home alone the other day and was frightened by a very loud noise, then I realized it was just my stomach growling.
Violence is not the answer, unless you’re a gaggle of children instructed to break into a piñata.
My kids came over for their weekly visit and I said to them: “Life is short so never spend time doing anything you don’t want to do.” They said: “Cool! Bye.”
Sex with me is like a ferris wheel: slower than you hoped, full of clunky stops and a carny watches to make sure you don’t get off.
I wish my ex girlfriend was a Ninja, this way I’d never see her
Why isn’t there a squirrel week, Discovery Channel?
Relationship status:
Just kissed my cat and he got up and moved to the other end of the couch.
10: “Did you know Saturn was discovered in 1610?”
8: “That’s not a real year.”
It’s a horror movie called Overalls in the Portapotty.
Hope my neighbors like my new pet howler monkeys
Our toilet seat lid broke. My husband is shopping Amazon for a new seat. “We can save 11% by getting a used one!”
Son, “Something wicked this way comes.”
-me, walking into the kitchen
I think my husband is psychic!
“Honey, what do you think of this outfit?”
{from other room}
“You look great!”
I’ve reached the age where I meet a person I would consider “older” and then find out they’re the same age as me.
GIRL: daddy look it’s a killer whale
WHALE: for your information I’m only a suspect at this point
Deep, meaningful communication is the key to a successful relationship.
Sunday: I think the kids handled daylight savings pretty good
Tuesday: no
Let’s be honest Jurassic Park is about capitalistic hubris not science gone wrong. The science went gloriously right