There’s no way the Ninja Turtles would have those ripped abs. You can’t do crunches with a shell attached to your back. Trust me I’ve tried.
You Might Also Like
My niece is pregnant and the fetus already has business cards as a freelance media consultant.
COP: step outta the car
ME: k
COP: got any drugs on u
ME: nah
COP: how about the car
ME: wouldn’t surprise me. it’s been acting funny lately
Date: So what do you do?
Me: I’m a script editor.
Me: Are you any good?
Me: No.
8yo overheard me talking about getting laser eye surgery. She got really upset. I was surprised by her reaction until she said “but what if you accidentally shoot me with laser beams!”
One of the World’s Strongest Man events should be “Pulling apart two shopping carts that are stuck together.”
[Bank]
COP: [through megaphone] LET ONE OF THE HOSTAGES GO
ROBBER: Okay, who wants out?
ME: [spinning on bosses chair] I’m comfortable.
I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
Schrödinger’s cat wasn’t so special. I’m both alive and dead inside 24/7.
CAT 911: what’s the emergency?
CAT: I can see a bird outside our clear wall
CAT 911: you mean a window?
CAT: no it’s definitely a bird
Any minute now these two ziplock halves will actually connect. Any. Minute. Now.
babe, listen, I need you to bring me $15000 cash and my passport. I out-pizza’d the hut and they are after me
me: hey remember when we hid the stamps from the kids?
my brain: yup!
me: where did we put those?
my brain:
me:
my brain: ok, you’re never gonna believe this
When my laptop asks “Are you sure?”, it’s because it still remembers all of the other bad decisions I have made.
You can tell I come from a long line of hunters the way I cunningly stalk the rare Totino’s Frozen Pizza.
[jazz club]
date: I love the sound of double bass
me: [sexily] bass bass
Whenever I draw or paint anything I say look what my kids did when they were toddlers
My kid always taking off her shoes like she got abducted mid-step
AT&T literally grounded someone of you with loss of telephone privileges.
That’s not a tweet.
Alcohol: Yes it is.
“Stop pointing at my daughter!” – Kanye West yells at a compass.
Me: [trying to hide a dead body] you gotta help me
Hamburger Helper Glove: THIS IS WAY OUT OF MY LANE MAN
I feel this so hard
What is going on here?
Is Rudolph using a magnifying glass to turn his nose into a raygun?
And who is the reindeer brandishing the cane?
Don’t send me back to bed if you don’t want me sneaking out again.
~My 8 year old, trying out a new tactic
There is no longer any distinction between Nicolas Cage’s movies and Nicolas Cage’s life.
someone mentioned that the divorce rate is around 50% which is terrifying, cause the idea that I still have a 50% chance of being stuck with the same person forever scares the shit out of me
Seeing all this inclusion on TV and movies now is making me feel like I grew up in the 1800s…when only my knees did
im an adult! i make my own bedtimes! i’ll stay up all night and function at a fraction of my capacity! like a giant grown-up lethargic baby!
banned from gardening forum for saying “it was me” every time someone posted and said “help, something is eating my tomatoes”
Netflix has such a dead movie selection, no wonder half the time everyone just starts having sex instead