The Amazon delivery drivers in my area are shit but my neighbors sure do order some really cool stuff.
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Even in a suit, Matthew McConaughey looks like he’s just been rescued after two weeks lost in the desert.
How high are you when you try to change lanes during your spin class?
Her: *whispering seductively in my ear* Tell me what you want baby.
Me: *whispering back* I was thinking maybe Thai food but up to you.
I peed in the ocean yesterday and the fish are still drunk today.
me: I need to borrow a math textbook
librarian: edition?
me: and subtraction if you have it
I know I have a dark sense of humour sometimes, but I’m genuinely just trying to make people laugh and never really trying to be offensive
Unless, of course, you’re vegan lol
worm: *tells a joke*
early bird: lol
“Have a seat”
*Turns on video of son eating pizza with a fork and knife.*
“Dad I…” **Dad puts up hand* “Please don’t call me that.”
[doctors]
“How long have I got?”
“Not long. Two, three months”
[casually places apple on desk]
“Ok, ok, six. Just get that out of here!”
*Joe Biden nibbles Obama’s ear*
– Please stop it
*Joe whispers* Say it
– No go away
*angrily whispers* Say it!
– …please stop Biden my ear
depression: you’re not good enough
anxiety: everything is falling apart
Quora: what if a grape hit u while traveling at the speed of sound
I just bought a new pair of sunglasses for whoever finds them in 3 weeks.
I hate people that sit with you for hours and don’t speak, suddenly want to tell you their life story when you put in your headphones.
What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas, is a crock of shit. If you get pregnant, pick up an STD, or contract covid, that shit will follow you everywhere.
While hiking last May, a lesbian deer told me she’s unsure of her sexual preference. Not a gay doe’s bi that I don’t think about it.
[The year was 2050]
“Grandpa why are you sitting outside”
“There was a time when this was illegal you know”
I asked the husband to take me shopping and he said “Take yourself.”
I can’t wait for him to ask for sex.
Jesus: Behold my powers.
*walks onto water and falls in*[back in heaven]
God: HAHAHAHAHA
Angel: HAHAHAHA “behold my powers”
God: HAHAHAHA
Good Cop: just give us one name, and we can protect you
Passive Agressive Email Cop: Thank you in advance
U U U U U U
An American’s tile rack after a Scrabble game.
I like to play this game called “How busy I can I pretend to look when my boss walks by my desk.”
skydiving instructor: were not letting you jump out of this plane without a parachute
me: *wearing a hat with a little propeller on top* just trust me
*on death bed*
Kids: I had a bad dream, can you move over so I can sleep with you?
*gets kicked in the ribs*
I hope Kim and Kanye surprise everyone and name this next kid something like Bill or Jen
Hate it when people tell me “don’t be stupid”. It’s not like I have a choice in the matter.
Gym employee: -and here’s your membership card.
Me: So we fight here?
GE: What?
Me: I fight you and get your gym’s badge. So you want me to defeat you in your office or-
GE: Oh, ha! I think you might be confused (turns baseball cap around) for it is you who will taste defeat
Remember when the current stupidest thing was the “Gotta Get Down on Friday” song? We didn’t know how good we had it.
If McDonald’s was smart they’d serve breakfast until 2pm on the weekends.
Me: Ahhhh. Just breathe in that salt air. Isn’t this nice?
Wife and kids: *choking in a salt mine* This vacation sucks!