Crunching numbers would be a lot more fun if they made little potato chip sounds after each equation.
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VITAMIN WATER: we’re like water, but with vitamins
ME: which ones
VITAMIN WATER: well sugar is a vitamin
ME: no it’s not
VITAMIN WATER: what about blue
I just heard my roommate mixing some beats except I don’t have a roommate and it was my cat throwing up.
BARTENDER: taste this beer
ME: [tastes it] omg i literally can’t even
BARTENDER: it has pumpkin spice in it
ME: hmm… yeah that explains it
How is it that a parking spot gets paid more per hour than I do
why isn’t thunder called soundning
Fact: If you ever blow me a kiss, I’m catching it and sticking it down my pants.
bury ourselves
Who named it “push-up bra” instead of “abracadabra” ??
When my sister in-law was a waitress in Canada, she was taking drink orders from a group of Americans. They each ordered a glass of red wine. She suggested they choose a LITRE instead. They spoke among themselves and one man put up his hand and said – “I’ll be the leader.”
“Let’s make it very difficult to open while people are bleeding.”
– inventor of the Band-Aid
the only way to kill that french vampire is by stabbing him with a baguette, I said painstakingly
her: cute dog, what’s his name?
me: this is indiana jones
her: oh cool from raiders of the lost ark!
me: no [picking up poop] he’s not been in any movies
I said hi to someone and a bug flew into my mouth. Lesson learned.
Me: What did you do at school today?
4yo: Nothing
M: You must have done something.
4: I don’t remember.
[Bedtime]
M: Goodnight.
4: Wait.
*Spends the next two hours telling me about his day in excruciating detail followed by a philisophical Q&A session*
No, I understood you perfectly. I just have resting confused face.
I have to lose 20 lbs in 3 days. Piece of cake, I tell the waitress. Chocolate. Thanks.
I’m never not disappointed when a woman says she’s going through “the change” and doesn’t become a transformer
[after getting beat up]
Girlfriend: I thought you were a kickboxer
Me: that guy was not a box
4-year-old: Why am I not in your wedding pictures?
Me: You were born 3 years later.
4: *cries because we didn’t invite her*
That awkward moment when mom says 3 is the perfect number of kids to have, but you’re her 4th
Friend zone?!
I’ve been sister zoned! And if one more dude pats me on the head, I’m telling mom!!
5: Grandma told me a secret.
Me: Grandma knows you aren’t supposed to keep secrets from Mommy.
5: Ok, I’ll tell you. She said you make the worst food ever.
Me: I have a few secrets to tell you about Grandma.
DATE: so tell me something about yourself
ME: i am older than every dog
If someone tells you you’re cute, ask them to name 3 other people they find cute so that you can react appropriately.
Twitter needs an aquarium for all the catfish that I net.
Him: Mmm, tell me what you like, baby
Me: I like turtles
[First day as a hostage negotiator] So whatchu wearing?
remember when the fbi would threaten you at the beginning of every vhs tape, that was pretty cool
<sniffle> <snort> <sniffle>
<snuffle> <wheeze> <cough> <sniff> <snuffle>
<ah> <ahhh> <aaaaahhh> <HAIKU!!!>
I’ve decided to stop using ladders. Put it down to “climb it change.”