Daughter: Anyone there?
Ouija Board: S P O T
Daughter: But Spot went to live at the farm
Ouija Board: N O
ME: *tips over whole table with ouija board* go clean your room
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supermarketes become so much more terrifying if you find a product with the word ‘instant’ and replaec it with ‘sudden’
I think Newton was actually hit by pigeon shit when he discovered gravity.. Falling of apple was just a ‘dignified’ cover up…!!
[Wedding Open Bar in my 20s]
Woohoo! Imma get sooo wasted!![Wedding Open Bar in my 40s]
Woohoo! Imma save maybe $11!
He’s heavily invested in crypto so kinda clearly doesn’t know when to let something go
Life can be compared to a ‘Choose your own adventure’ book.
Sometimes there’s a happy ending; sometimes you get eaten by a bear.
When someone asks me why I’m leaving the party early, I say “I’m late for an appointment with my pajamas.”
Don’t open any messages you get from me. I’m not hacked, I’m just really mean
Just walked to the mailbox and the neighbor drove his riding mower into a ditch. I would’ve helped him out, but I wasn’t wearing pants.
I’m listening, but this 5-year-olds ‘polka-dotted dinosaur astronaut’ story better have a point
*interrupts eulogy*
SOMEONE SAID THAT ALMOST WORD FOR WORD AT THE LAST FUNERAL
Since the summer Olympics got postponed a year, that means I still have time to master ribbon gymnastics.
Google maps: in 2,000 feet, turn left
Me: I have no idea how far that is
Google: in 8 furlongs…
Me: no
Google: in 1.6 billion picometers…
Me: ugh
Why is it like a quirky thing that Biden likes ice cream. Call me when he starts eating a bowl of whole peppercorns
Me: You look amazing with glasses.
Her: OMG thanks
Me: *removes my glasses* But not so much without.
God [making birds]: They are going to start screaming in the morning and wake people up really early.
Angel: Like at 6 AM?
God: Earlier.
Angel: 5 AM?
God: EARLIER
ME: babe i don’t think the acid we dropped is working
GIANT BLUE OX: are you sure
Nice try cereal but everyone knows that the real breakfast of champions is three chocolate glazed donuts.
How to tell if your wife is mad at you
1. She is
I wish offended people reacted like fainting goats. No, it wouldn’t solve a thing, but life would be so entertaining.
I read murder mysteries for complicated plot lines, well rounded characters, and creative yet practical alibis.
realizing every shirt in the store is a crop top
how was your vacation
Cop: know why I pulled you over?
“Hopefully to arrest me.”
Cop: [sees backseat full of screaming kids] sir, please step out of the vehicle.
Feeling hurt and lonely. My usual Top Chef watch party attendees said they won’t be coming because of social distancing. They’re my cats and they live with me so I’m very confused.
in movies the saddest thing a single woman can do is eat a microwave dinner, but a true rock bottom is eating a hot dog with normal bread as a bun…studios are too scared of that reality
“STOP TELLING ME WHAT TO DO”, I yell to my 5 year old.
The house from Hansel and Gretel but made out of tacos.
Gilmore girls is a fantasy about living in a walkable community
Her: are you single?
[flashback to 2011 where I tried to kiss a girl but she turned away and I kissed her cheek]
Me: haha idk
me: haha no I’m not ready to have kids yet
landlord: no not parent, “pay rent.”
me: don’t get me started. i’m not compensated well at work whatsoever.
landlord: NO NOT PAY RANT!