*15th century*
Shaggy: ‘Twas not I
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Roses are red
Let’s get some fresh air
Make love in the moonlight
Have a pregnancy scare
*steps away from meeting to send my sister a puking emoji*
“Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?”
Well, Katy, I’m thin, weak, white, and I hurt the environment so I guess that’s a pretty apt simile
I want to make fun of kanye but I’m always losing my shit on the internet too.
It feels mighty hypocritical.
Soaking the dishes overnight, or as I like to call it, “not doing the dishes.”
Hey! So I have a new YouTube channel. It’s a desperate attempt to make some $$$ (survival reasons) – Think you could support and subscribe?
While we are here, if you have feedback on the new site design, please let me know – trying to address one by one. Someone told me that there are way too many ads now, I have reduced the number of ads and increased the no. of funny tweets per page. Can’t wait to hear from you!
Just so we’re all clear: NASA is getting a direct feed from a robot on Mars, but I still can’t make a cell phone call from my basement.
Who cares if you break a damn mirror. If you think 7 years of bad luck is hell, try breaking a condom.
*jolts awake*
*frantically searches around*WAIT A MINUTE!
THIS FEELS LIKE ONLY 47 PILLOWS!
When my son was in grade school the teacher asked the class what they should do if they think there is a fire and he shouted GO TURN THE STOVE OFF DINNER IS READY
Why do we “shush” our dogs when they bark at the postman when 98% of our mail is bills?
Dogs get it.
Next time, join in.
Why do zombies all have such shitty clothes?! It’s like you JUST died, how did you mess up your shirt that bad
Men are really out here thinking that a hike is a good first date. Sir that’s a last date. That’s how people get murdered.
Batman v Dracula
Good is the enemy of great.
Sponge is the enemy of math.
Metaphysics is the enemy of Walmart.
4-year-old: Can I have some water?
Me: Any more water & you could have an accident while sleeping.
4: Ok, then some juice should be fine.
Twitter. Finally an app that makes people stop at yellow lights.
I woke up this morning with my 4-year-old in my face, nose to nose, asking why people have skeletons.
Everything was going exactly as planned and then I woke up.
Satan: you can spend eternity in hell OR you can go to work for the first time in 5 days.
Me: hmmm
Satan: well?
Me: IM THINKING, DAMN IT
I can’t wait until my kids have a place of their own so I can come barging through their door & say “what’s for dinner? I don’t like that. Can you give me money for McDonald’s?”
My obituary will say “He always found himself being lured into uncomfortable social situations by the promise of food”.
Sorry, I can’t make it. Can’t find my “goin out” sweatpants.
Celebrating christmas in another country, santa leaves a chicken cutlet in my boot. “Is that good?” No one will make eye contact with me.
“They say children learn by example, even for potty training.”
-I explain to my horrified neighbor as my son and dog poop on the lawn
I want to be gangsta but my grandma said no
Thank you two-step authentication codes that expire after 60 seconds for providing Mission Impossible-type drama into my mundane suburban existence
I hate it when a stick of butter goes rogue and leaps out of the refrigerator at me when I open the door.
Ordering coffee with a coworker whos a vegan, she looks at me, & goes, ‘I don’t believe in sugar.’ I’m like ‘Bitch, it exists’