good morning to everyone but especially my dog who got herself stuck in a folding chair and instead of barking for help just waddled around with it on her back like some kind of hermit crab
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[During sex]
Her: That fan of yours is loud and distracting
Me: It helps me in bed
Fan: *clapping approvingly* Yeah bro WORK THOSE HIPS
I am grateful for the canned, boxed, frozen dinners my parents provided. BUT my favorite thing about having worked in kitchens for years and having the time and ability to cook great, from-scratch meals for my children is when they say, “Ugh! Can’t we just order pizza!?!”
*chasing after the person that just robbed my house*
TEXT ME WHEN YOU GET HOME SO I KNOW YOU GOT BACK SAFELY
DNA doesn’t make you a parent. Stepping on a lego guy on your way to the bathroom at 3 am does
When I wake up at night,
I reach out to you,
I love you not for what you look like
I love you for what you have inside.(Me to my fridge)
Mans got denied a plate and walked off. 😂😂😂
I told a joke during a zoom meeting today. Nobody laughed. It turns out, I’m not even remotely funny
[bedtime]
me: babe we forgot to lock the door
him: not it
murderer under the bed: not it
me: fine I’ve got it
The best things in life are free.
Stealing is awesome.
[shopping for a house]
Me: It’s nice but I was thinking something a little bigger.
Realtor: This is my office.
Next time you want to question the rationality of women, just remember that they freak the fuck out when they see a centimeter long spider.
My daughter mockingly told me about Winemaking 101, a class her university offers. I surely hope she won’t mind bumping into me on campus.
I finally shaved my legs.
Do I contact Locks of Love or do they contact me?
Every month my landlord sends an email letting me know that in these trying and uncertain times rent is still due on the first.
My inability to pronounce Spanish names makes me sad, and I’m not even Jaoquin.
[getting escorted out of zoo] “I just wanted to see if the panda knew kung fu like in the movie”
[teaching son to swim]
Me: get this wrong & you die
[yelling to bartender in crowded nightclub] WHAT KIND OF CAPRI SUN FLAVORS DO YOU HAVE?
How come mimes never imagine being in bigger boxes?
*pronounces UPS like yoops
*Day 9 of quarantine*
Him: My beard is really filling out!
Me: *rubbing my face* Mine too!
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: What?
God: ok u can make one human that’s it
Satan: how do u feel about toupees & the name Donald
“Is it pronounced NEEL-ism or NIAL-ism?”
“It doesn’t matter”“Nothing matters….”
If I were British I would carry around a monocle and drop it whenever I was horrified
I was watching this YouTube video about “housecleaning before Christmas.” It’s very similar to housecleaning.
“You’ll sleep when I’m dead” — my phone
*crawls back into sea to de-evolve*
GENIE: 3 wishes. But no extra wishes & no sex stuff
Me: why not?
GENIE: I make the rules
ME: I wish I made the rules
GENIE: …dammit
Okay YouTube, if I’m gonna watch a 20-minute video and you want to show me a 15-second ad, fine, I’ll wait.
But if I’m going to watch a 2-minute video, that ad better be no more than a single frame of someone shouting “PIZZA HUT!”
“You’re attachment is too large,” my computer tells me.
I blush. “My eyes are up here,” I respond coyly.